Ok, Show Me "Wow"

I've been on a mission.

I've been seeking Wow.

I've spent the past 18 months relearning, rethinking and redefining "Wow".

It doesn't look the way I thought or the way I remember (well, kinda remember). In all honesty, my wow looks better than I ever could have imagined. It's sweeter and simpler. And in that sweet simplicity I find magic.

I do believe in magic. I do. And no one can convince me otherwise.

I don't find wow where I used to find it. Thank Goodness!! Often I find it around me in the world. Bright beautiful moments that make me stare in wonder like a child. More often than not I find wow in the brilliant stars I collect in my orbit that masquerade as people.

In addition to this seeking of wow I've found myself seeking love in my life as well. Craving it, really. It's been more years than I care to admit. A lot of years ... Did I mention its been years?

Ugh. Years.

Pfffffftttt.

So I love that I heard "wow" in reference to love come from a star spinning in my orbit in the last couple weeks. It's simplicity was absolutely awesome. It was actually a definition of love offered to me in exchange for my opinion.

Now, I've heard folks try to define love with words and criteria, sex and categories, requirements and strategies. But never in my life have I heard love described as a scenario. A scenario so beautifully culled down that I feel I may shame it with my own words. I'll try to do it justice and apologize in advance for anything I miss or leave out.

As I - if I - remember it begins with getting ready to go to a dinner party at a friends. Get dressed, get in the car, drive to party. Get to party, part ways, mingle apart from one another. One talking to one group and one talking to another group. Quietly bring food to the other, not because one asked but simply because it was their favorite and a small lovely unsolicited gesture. And somewhere in the evening over the noise and across the room you catch each others eyes. And without saying a word it's understood that the sentiment is as follows:

I'm busy and distracted in this moment but you are the most important thing on my mind and in my heart and I'm coming right back to you.

Essentially, I'm here. And you matter. And it's unspoken.
You are my heart space.

(Pause)

Wow.

And that was it. A whole definition of love. Just like that.

It floored me.

(Wendy stares wide eyed in wonder like a child)
Heeeeeeyyyyy .. I WANT THAT!!

So I'm gonna spend some quality time shouting that request out to the universe and being incredibly grateful to the star that shared that light.

And maybe, if I'm really really lucky, there will be cheese, bread, berries and green grapes on the plate lovingly provided by my Wow.

Stasis

These thoughts began at about 5:00am.

Oddly, it's one of my favorite hours of the day. It's the hour before the sun breaches the horizon, the hour before the world is a flurry of activity, the time before the world comes to life and I feel the need to spring into action. It's quiet and I can breathe. For a moment everything feels clear and clean and possible.

Stasis.

It's a rare space that I have difficulty finding and truly cherish when I do.

Obviously, it makes me feel reflective and contemplative. Today is no exception. But this particular 5:00am feels a bit like a gift that I have a responsibility to receive. This last week has afforded me the opportunity to review the sum of all my parts in many many ways. It might almost be rude to not accept this hour as a reason to reflect and celebrate. I graciously and gratefully accept.

The universe provides. Man, does it ever. Sometimes I actually have the wherewithal to "get it".

I've been running and jumping and playing so fast and furious for the past year and this last month my world has slowed way down. Waaaaaayyyyy down. I began that journey into doubt and anxiety that something was going wrong and maybe I'd lost the mojo that I'd been riding ... (Because thats where my silly little brain likes to go) ... When it snapped into focus like lightening.

The universe had very deliberately slowed my pace because there was something I needed to focus on. A few things, actually.

The past month has been a whirlwind of new and crazy and uncertain and peculiar.
I needed time and space to be in those moments. 'Cuz it's worth it.

The past week was truly the sum of my parts. I needed time to stop learning and start engaging and employing.

I hit some milestones. Major ones. Minor ones.

I hit my target weight which is a huge deal as it was so incredibly important to me to be able to begin and complete a goal for so many reasons I just don't have words to explain, That path began an odyssey that took me places I never thought myself capable of.
My outsides and insides are aligned. I'm awestruck.
I completed a two year life changing journey that has been wrought  with pain and agony and struggle and beauty and wonder ... Again, I don't have sufficient words.
I am listening - en masse, with great clarity - to the culmination of phrases and thoughts lovingly gifted to me over a span of 20 years and they finally all fit. Make sense. Apply.
I got seriously uncomfortable and then found courage and got in motion.
I found - dare I say - a moments worth of balance and when I couldn't I reached out and found those that could hold me steady.

I had one of those "A-ha" weeks where all these things converged to create a perfect storm of goodness ... And I was there, present, awake, alive and accounted for to "get it".

That's a miracle for this little girl. I found that illusive little space where I understood the balance of action and stasis.

So, thank you Universe, for slowing my roll.
And, thank you self, for putting in the hard work to get me here.

Job well done. 'Cuz it's worth it.

Some of the things that hit their mark?
(But first, lets not get it twisted ... I've "known" these things .. "Heard" these things .. They just all came together in a manner in which I could feel them and see the proof of them working)

Don't open your mouth until you can NOT be full of shit.
The bravest thing you'll ever do is fall apart.
Courage is being scared shitless and doing it anyway.
Everyone's opinion is none of your damn business.
Choose wisely and treat kindly.
Don't leave before the miracle.
Be brave and then be patient.
Saying you won't accept my help is like saying you don't trust my friendship.
Human being rather than human doing.
We celebrate all successes .. No matter the size.
Live, love and laugh.
Tell on yourself.
Be sure your head and heart and shoulders and intentions are all facing the same direction.
Live. It. Out. Loud.

And then a more recent one. One that literally stopped me in my tracks causing me to dig desperately in my purse for a pen to write it down on the first scrap of anything I could find.
"Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a catastrophe and a miracle."

(Hitched breath)
(Slow exhale)
(Lightening bolt)

I don't have words for exactly what happened to me when I heard that ... But it was profound.

And I had to force myself into one of those quiet moments and sit with those words for a bit. We had to get to know each other. We had to define our relationship. We had to stare each other down and be pissed at each other for a while. Then we had to hug it out and decide to love each other.

I fear I've mistaken one for the other and not appropriately celebrated either.
I'm working on it.
I think both are important.
I think I've done myself and those situations the great disservice of creating one when I needed the other and ignoring them both when they begged for my attention.
I'm working on that too.

So this morning I sat with myself ... At 5:00am ... And stasis settled on me and I welcomed it. And we just were.
She gave me room and I chose to reflect and appreciate.

And I made a promise that I'd continue to embrace the catastrophe and seek the miracle.
Then I'll be brave and be patient


But I'm human and busy and distracted and forgetful .. So I'll be reaching out to my angels to give me gentle reminders. I'll be sure to return the love. This is why we keep our angel wings around each other. Because at 5:00am it all comes together and makes sense.

Three Heathy Habits

Blog Challenge Day Fourteen: Three Healthy Habits

I got fit.

To be completely honest, I was just like a bazillion other folks deciding to declare war against my fatness at the beginning of the year. A friend and I made our resolutions and big plans and found a gym. We hit that gym hard ... With gusto and devotion. We kept each other going and changed up workouts and diets and music and motivating factors. We sought out a fantastic trainer. We stayed the course. Then something happened. Right about the time we typically should have lost interest and resumed our skeevy lazy habits, I noticed that I was changing. And that small something became EVERYTHING. It's no secret that I have struggled all of my adult life with alcohol addiction. When that is your life NOTHING ever changes. Each day is a tragic carbon copy of the last. It is an endless non stop cycle of destruction and madness. So those couple of inches and few little endorphins were the first evidence that I really could make a change in my life. It was the first change I'd seen in the better part of a decade. It was like I had thrown off chains. That half hearted New Years resolution managed, magically, to set in motion a chain of events that changed the course of my life, turned me upside down and set me on a path I never could have imagined. I'm forty pounds lighter and a very different person than the one that started that journey.

So I got honest.

Those little changes gave me back a confidence I had lost some nine years earlier. So I decided to make bigger changes. I have always worked hard to be an authentic person. Tried, anyway. I am at my best when I am being and feeling exactly what I need to be in any given moment. I'm a better me for the folks in my life when I am in that space. But that is not entirely possible when living a lifestyle that is consumed by being completely toxic and polluted. So I got clean. I called out my angels and called myself on the carpet and tore down all my secret hiding places ... I came clean. That is a heathy habit I work at every day. It's the hardest work with the greatest rewards and most terrifying consequences I've ever taken on. And it will never end. This is for life. All in or back out.

Then I got busy.

I've been living in a self made, self imposed coffin for a long long time. I hate that I missed so much of my life. Regret is the heaviest thing I've ever known. So, with a new body and new outlook and renewed clarity and purpose I filled my calendar and got busy. Busy with ALL kinds of awesome stuff and even more awesome people. My weeks are packed with activity and laughter, chaos and exhaustion, food and fabulousness, bold, colorful events and sweet, sentimental moments. Man, I'm livin. And it feels amazing to even breathe on this planet. Only thing better than that? I'm ready for even bigger and MORE awesome things. This girl is just beginning to flex her wings.

I'm open to any other curve balls the universe sees fit to throw my way. Seems that I weather positive changes and shake ups pretty well. And when I'm fit (inside and out), honest and busy livin the storms I have to walk through don't seem quite so tumultuous after all. Or at least they dont seem to last as long.

Inside My Fridge

Blog Challenge Day Thirteen: Inside My Fridge

Not sure I can make this even remotely interesting ...

Light ranch dressing - a staple in this house and, I imagine, in Texas on the whole
Green goddess dressing
Vinegar
Izze sparkling juice
Cranberry juice
Milk
Diet dr pepper
Coke zero
Coffee creamer
A host of condiments. Boring stuff like ketchup and mustard and some fun stuff like spicy Thai sauce, white balsamic dressing and sesame oil
Left over spaghetti
Greek yogurt
Pickles
Left over goodies for our last cooking event (seafood)
Coffee
Fruit
Fresh veggies
Left over Chinese food
Whole grain bread
Lunch meat
Sliced cheese

This is, by far, the worst blog topic on the list yet.

Yeah, I'm over it.

I need peanut butter cookies ... They are beside the fridge. Does that count?

Favorite Childhood Book

Blog Challenge Day Twelve: Favorite Childhood Book

First and foremost, one of the best gifts my mother ever gave me was the love of and deep respect for reading. I do not just think of it in terms of all the wonderful books I've read and will read but in terms of how closed and small my world would be without that ability. Early exposure to reading opened my world to expression, education, writing and a myriad of other wondrous things. I can not imagine a world in which the simplest things would be a plaguing mystery without use of words. Street signs. Newspapers. Medications. Instructions. How trapped and helpless would I be without the magic of words?

I am told that I've had a book in my hand since age two.
Thank you mom.
Best. Gift. Ever.

That being said, I don't remember having a favorite childhood book. I DO remember that I had a Sesame Street book ordered with my name worked into the story. It was awesome. Big Bird talking to ME? Really?! How cool was I??

I have a collection of books that was special ordered for me when I was a wee one that I treasure. I've never seen or heard of the series in any store I've been to. I love them. They are full of magical creatures and little virtuous messages .... And scrawled crayon remnants of my childhood.

But I can not pinpoint any one book that was a bonafide fave.

I do, however, have distinct memories of when reading began to have meaning and bring substance to my life.
Oddly, in the genre of horror. ..... Considering the source, perhaps not odd at all.

There was a period when my mother was really really into Stephen King novels. She devoured them. And I wanted to be a part of anything grown up and "big". So I followed her into that literary journey. I became terrified by Cujo, mesmerized by The Shining and completely obsessed with It. More than that, it was during this time that I became aware of what reading awakened in me. I felt the wings of my imagination stretch, flex and take flight. I understood that my vocabulary was growing, my ability to write was developing, my thoughts expanding and my world opening. I learned about relaxing through reading and escaping and broadening my thoughtscapes. Essentially, I learned about the power of learning.

Mental murals and cerebral scrapbooks.

This was the first time I had even the slightest comprehension that my mind and my education was something - if not the only thing - that can never be taken from me. It's mine.

These days I'm thrilled about poking around to read and learn things I'm not yet familiar with.

I love Love LOVE books. Real books. Books with pages.
I love losing myself in them, trading them, sharing them, finding myself in them, losing myself in them and finishing one with the absolute certainty that I've added a few dimensions to my orbit and am vastly more curious than before about, well, EVERYTHING.

So, thank you Cujo and thank you Jack and thank you Pennywise <shiver>
And thank you to the writers who keep expanding the universe.
And thank you to all my geeky friends who share my passion and keep the circle / cycle of pages going.
... And, again, thank you mom.

"Oh, the places you'll go!" - Dr Suess

Ten Favorite Foods

Blog Challenge Day Eleven: Ten Favorite Foods

I, personally, find this almost insulting. Ten?! Really?

There is a WORLD of amazing deliciousness out there and I intend to eat my way around the world and back.

How about ten "crave-ables"?

1. Cheesy chili dip. Y'all know its what's up. Truth be told, it's actually a lovingly modified version of a recipe from Tammy D. Appropriate, as she is my partner in food-ness and willing food adventurer.

2. Tater tot casserole. Straight up shamelessly stolen from Tammy D. See above mentioned reference.

3. Fruit. I adore fruit. I love it on its own and in all manner of goodness. Besides, it is a fantastic way (when used as an appetizer) to assuage the guilt of my indulgences. It's kinda like putting black beans in something and allowing yourself to believe said beans made it instantly healthy. I'm all good with that delusion. Keep that vile melon away from me though. Pffffffttt

4. Salads. I love salads because so many ultra cool things can be added to make them more fabulous. They also, despite the amount of calories I pile on top of greens, help me labor under the delusion that I'm eating healthy. Add fruit? Awesome!! Add bacon? Utopia.

5. Bacon. Need I even expound? Moving on ...

6. Thai food. Bring on the peanut sauce and rice noodles. Don't EVEN get me started on the healing powers of Pad Thai and ALL manner of curries. Heaven.

7. Chinese food. The ultimate in comfort food. Give me a rainy day, warm blanket, lit candle, excellent book and a BIG OL mess of Chinese food ANY day. Instant docile ninja.

8. Crab legs. Don't mind if I do!! Ridiculously yummy and I have a love affair with any food that requires poor manners, a huge mess and eating with ones hands. Socially acceptable inappropriate table behavior is all good in my book.

9. Cheese. If you need an explanation you also need therapy. That is all.

10. Turnovers. My fave dessert and what I always seem to crave on a cold winter day. Again, with fruit. Throw in some coffee and a foot massage and I can pretty much guarantee that I can be bribed to do an obscene number of things.

So, add these ten to the gazillion other things I love to eat and the surface may be scratched. I'm a firm believer that food is a universal language, an ultimate gesture of love, an adventure just waiting to be born and a blissful way to return oneself to cheerful.

Cheers!
Nom nom nom

Best Trip of My Life

Blog Challenge Day Ten: Best Trip of My Life

This is another one that I find impossible to narrow down to just one. I've been a few places and I've had a few adventures. But I think of my trips like I think of songs. Each one has a meaning and a feeling and a special something that binds it to me. Even when I traveled on business I tried to fly in early and leave a bit late just to wander around on the terrain and see what the world had to show me. It's long been a favorite thing of mine to rent a car wherever I am and gather up a cup of coffee, a map, my cell phone and an open mind and just set out to get lost for a bit.

It terrifies my mother when I do that.
It makes me feel free.

When I travel for pleasure I like to turn off clocks and NOT pay attention to time. I like to eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired and move about when I feel like being in motion.
It's my personal rebellion to being a slave to time, my phone and the relentless ticking of the clock.

So I've loved most of my trips. Most.

But from Baton Rouge to Boston, L.A. to Florida, Phoenix to Providence, St. Louis to "almost" Cancun one vacation sticks out as being my ideal type of vacation.

New York City.

I adore New York City. I love that its old and worn and as established as it is new and modern. I love the buildings. I love the people. I love the enormous amount of diversity. I absolutely love that you have to do New York City on foot or you will miss all the good stuff. I love it's secrets. I love corner neighborhood grocery stores, coffee shops, theater, art and parks nestled right in the middle of the big bad city. I love it all. I love that you could live and breathe the city your whole life and never know all that she has to offer ... All twelve WHOLE miles of her.

And on one very crappy day at work I took about 7 seconds to spontaneously decide that I was going. So I bought a backpack, bought a ticket, called a friend and made it happen.

Spontaneous definitely meets perfect vacation criteria.

So I dropped myself smack in the middle of Manhattan and decided to let the city carry me wherever it felt I should go. I had a very loose idea of what I wanted to see and absolutely no time frame in which to do anything at all. Or everything. Or nothing. Or something. Or have everything change at the drop of a dime.

No concept of time and / or agenda. Criteria two.

I walked. About 150 or more blocks a day.
Here are some of the highlights of a little vacation that left a huge mark on me:

Ended up in the middle of the pit at Ground Zero on September 11th. It was a happy accident and I was glad to be there on the anniversary.
Thought it a brilliant idea to wear flip flops and then thought better of it. I ended up slipping into a very shady shoe store and purchased my beloved Green NYC Haitian Drug Cartel shoes.
Almost got trampled by a horse drawn cart while I stared in awe at the city rising up to me and rushing all around me.
Ate some of the best Indian food I've ever had from a family owned hole in the wall. Yummmm
Got lost on the subway, got locked into a subway car and promptly got my lil Texas butt hollered at to leave said subway .... Much to the amusement of native New Yorkers.
Got "dirty water" hotdogs in the park and when I tried to take a picture of George Clinton looking homeless man he tried to charge me 5 bucks for the picture. Awesome.
Walked from Times Square to the Metropolitan and took in some art. Lovely!
Laid on a park bench and stared up at Rockefeller Center ... Enthralled.
Wandered Battery Park.
Wandered Greenwich Village and got lost. Super awesome.
Stumbled across the NYC sex museum and went .. Just cuz I could .. And got the underwear off the mannequin in the lobby.
Went to Strawberry Fields and took in the silence with great respect, wonder and reverence.
Stood on the Hudson River and watched the city vibrate and sparkle against the night sky. Mesmerized.
Sang out loud in Central Park ... Cuz I didn't feel the need not to.
Sat in Union Square park listening to old men fight and bicker around the cement tables while sipping coffee.

Best. Blisters. Ever. 

Let the vacation guide you. Do not guide the vacation. Definite criteria.

Came home after four days actually rested and longing to come back again and again.

Coming home better than you left in all ways possible. Absolutely necessary criteria.

That's the way I wish I always traveled. My backpack, my music, a universe of new experiences, a world of food, excellent nights rest and full full days of complete submersion.

I'd like to see all the cities I'm curious about in just that way. All in. Open to everything. And I want to come home feeling completely full and still wanting more.

What's In My Purse

Blog Challenge  Day Nine: What's In My Purse

I'm amused. Mostly because even I don't know what the entire contents of my purse are.

Outside pocket:
Three different workout plans scribbled out on scratch paper
Coupon for Bath n Body
Driving directions to doctor
Meeting log
Oh, and a random penny

(That was sadly boring)

Inside:
(No less than) five pens ... All of which I have torn my desk apart to find at some point
Two bottles of hand sanitizer (no ickies, please)
Nose spray
Two tubes of smell good lotion (there's a shocker)
Two small mirrors (???)
Overstuffed wallet with broken snap
Checkbook register
One packet antibiotic ointment
One packet towelette
Comb (what? ... A comb? ... How'd that get in there?)
Giant wad of keys WITH Lego ninja turtle keychain (thank you Erin)
Trusty and ever present church key (barkeeper bottle capper) Never took it out from the old days
And apparently one love note cleverly snuck in there by Auntie
Various "girl" products (that are NEVER there when I need them)
Oh, and a random nickel


Other Outside Pockets:
Vaporizer
Two lighters
Headphones
Other random penny
Six lip balms (it's pathological)
Three lip glosses
One lipstick (for emergency use)
Three hair ties and three hair clips (for unruly humid white girl Afro days)
Tweezers (always handy)

Hmmmmmm
Well

That's it. Pathetically UNspectacular.

But this silly little exercise has reinforced that as women get older our bags get exponentially larger ... To carry more randomness that we are completely lost without when we don't have it immediately available and don't think about when we do.

Five Current Goals

Blog Challenge Day Eight: Five Current Goals

Ok, I rolled my eyes a bit at today's blog topic .. A bit.
Not entirely because I find these topics sorta vanilla in my turtle brownie fudge sundae kinda brain, but because its a little personal. And that makes me uncomfortable. Since being a wee bit uncomfortable has been the point from the get go I'm going to give it a shot.

1. Keeping my head, heart and spirit in check and aligned. This means a whole lot of honest, being exactly whatever I need to be in any given moment, suiting up and showing up, being right sized and staying the hell out of a bottle. And ALL that that entails.

2. Cleaning house. This means making sure I do everything I can in the interest of healthy relationships in my life ... From back to front ... Inside and out ... Even when its gut wrenching.

3. Find love. I'm ready.

4. Have a fantastic adventure. I'm ready to get right in the middle of something great. I have no idea what that looks like .. And that's crazy cool with me. I'm ready to try my hand at adventure rather than reckless.

5. Push myself. I finally feel capable of looking beyond the next 5 minutes of my future. I finally feel valid and smart enough and capable. It feels good to be back. So whether that's professionally or personally or spiritually or all of the above and more, I'm ready to stop selling myself short.

Whew.

Once upon a time a friend told me (and continues to gently remind me) that we must put out into the universe the things that we want. I'm hoping by putting these things out there that the universe responds and all of my angels will encourage and hold me accountable.

Alright ... I take back my eye rolling.

Five Favorite Songs

Blog Challenge Day Seven: Five Favorite Songs

Ugh
Pfffttttt

This blog topic is even MORE irritating than trying to select my proudest moment.

Really??!!
Seriously?!

(Channeling Hannibal Lector ..)  "you think you can dissect me with this blunt little tool ..."

So I reached out to some folks for an assist. (Que music .. "I get by with a little help from my friends .."

So, in a very Wendy-esque sorta way I will, instead, give five categories and the five songs that come to mind in each category. (In the absence of an acceptable standard, I will become the standard) That should at least give a taste of what grooves me. A very minuscule fraction of a taste.

Disco
If I Can't Have You - Yvonne Elliman
Night Fever - The Bee Gees
I Feel Love - Donna Summer
Take Your Time Do It Right - The SOS Band
Lay All Your Love On Me - ABBA

Frisky
In Your Room - Depeche Mode
Janet Jackson - If
Oops, Oh My - Tweet
Hard Day - George Michael
Sweaty - Jodeci

Angry Chick
Precious Things - Tori Amos
Raise Your Glass - Pink
No Light No Light - Florence and the Machine
Would Not Come - Alanis Morrisette
Not My Idea - Garbage
Creep - TLC

Heart Strings
This Woman's Work - Kate Bush
Let Me Touch You For a While - Allyson Krause
Fear - Sarah McLachlan
Disillusioned - Sinead Lohan
Give Me Wings - Michael Johnson
(Bonus Track: In My Life - The Beatles)

Euro Fabulous
Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles
Sometimes - Erasure
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
The Crying Game - Boy George
Palomino - Duran Duran (highly recommended)
(Bonus Track: Mona Lisas and Madhatters - Elton John) ((also highly recommended))

I will now sit here and think of the 8 million other songs I should have listed as well .....

What I Am Afraid Of

Blog Challenge Day Six: What I Am Afraid Of

Just gotta get it off my chest .....

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm afraid of a really REALLY lot of things.

Now, I wasn't lying. I am drawn to the edge. I love being in the fire and crave the crazy train. But that has nothing to do with being scared. I've also had to learn - the hard way - that having a desire for adventure doesn't mean I need to engage in reckless and dangerous.

So here's some of the highlights:

Vomit! It freaks me out!
Heights. <shiver>
Death. Since I was little.
Bugs! Don't mind lookin at em ... But when they move around it makes me squeal.
Loneliness. Don't mind bein alone but loneliness terrifies me.
Being caught off guard emotionally  ... It throws me off balance and makes me paranoid.
Emotional pain .... Terrifies me.
Hate ... Most toxic thing I can think of
Abandonment. Crippling fear of that.
(Hand in hand with death) Not having lived well or lived to the fullest. Essentially, wasted life.
Booze. Very afraid of booze.
Airplane turbulence.
Slimy foods. <another shiver>
The ocean. I'm completely awestruck by the ocean, it's beauty, mystery and power. I am mesmerized but the thought of not being able to see beneath me is sheer terror.

There are so many more.

Oddly enough, I had no problem breaking up bar fights and riding storms.

I never claimed to make sense .... Or be sensible, for that matter.

So if you want to chase a tornado or run toward a fiery car crash I'm TOTALLY down. However, chasing me down with slimy stewed okra beside a sharp drop off next to a bug with prickly little legs might cause a mental breakdown. Just sayin ...

And even if it scares me, I might just do it anyway.

My Proudest Moment

Blog Challenge Day Five (kinda): My Proudest Moment

Um ... I really hate questions like these. It's utterly impossible to reduce 4 decades on the planet to a single moment. I find it as ridiculous as asking my favorite movie, favorite song or favorite food.

Not humanly possible.

But what I CAN do is discuss some of the moments that come to mind when the question arises.

I was proud of the simple silly little poems I scratched out (and still have somewhere) in grade school and junior high. It was the first time I felt like I'd ever truly heard my own voice. And I was very proud when one was chosen to be read at our graduation ... Even though I still think its a horrible poem.

I was proud to be a speed skater when I was a little kid. It was the first time I ever felt good at anything.

I was proud when I graduated high school. I'd been sick for a lot of my senior year, my mother was far away and I had pathetically little support at home. I was wild and rebellious and very smart and I could very easily have chosen the other fork of that road.

I am proud of the friendships that I chose and have been able to maintain over a couple few decades now. I appreciate that we share the salty and the sweet and I know (Lord, do I know) it has not been easy.

I am proud of the work in my community I chose to do. Working in HIV hospice care, youth advocacy, suicide prevention and various other projects was amazing. It shaped my soul and fed my spirit. I truly did those things selflessly. Those lessons have never left me.

I am proud of the comfort I've found in my own skin and particular flavor of crazy. I like being colorful and I honestly don't know any other way to be.

I'm proud that I raised my hand first and was selected to go to New Orleans directly following Hurricane Katrina and during Hurricane Rita. Those 6 weeks had an extremely profound effect on me socially, personally and professionally.

I'm proud that I went to NYC to pay my respects following 9-11. I needed to be a part of something bigger than myself. I'm also proud that I did what I set out to do and didn't act the fool like a circus spectator like many others I saw there.

I am proud that I would do those things and more again tomorrow in a heartbeat without a second of hesitation.

I'm proud I graduated college. I paid my dues and paid my way and took the really long way to get there. But I did it. And it's mine.

I'm proud that I chose to be well and not to die and that my demons are back in their own bottle that is not on my shelf.

I'm proud that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to live authentically and within my integrity ... Even when it sucks .. Even when I get in trouble for it .. Even when I tragically miss the mark and have to try again and again.

I'm proud that I choose professions that have a direct impact on the community I live in.

I'm proud that I have and will always make room and space for a little bit of everyone in my life.

I'm proud that I'm resilient. Even when I don't want to be.

There are many, many more. Blessedly. Thankfully.

There will be more tomorrow if I choose wisely and treat kindly ... And right the ship when I run aground.

My Dream Job

Blog Challenge Day Four: My Dream Job

The thought of my dream job seems like such a huge thing to consider .. Or maybe like it SHOULD be such a huge thing to consider. Anything. Anything at all. In the wide world of anythings!

Whew!

Astronaut or bold world famous activist? Olympic Curler or photographer for National Geographic? International reporter or traveling food critic? Flight attendant or CIA spy.

I overwhelm myself at the notion and possibilities. But when my head stops swirling with big glittery sparkly ideas I seem to always come back to the same thing.

I WANNA BE A RADIO DJ!!

And, man, I would be great at it. I would. ... Way better than a flight attendant.

Here's the thing ... I have always had a deep passion for music. Like almost everyone, music really moves my soul. In times when I had pushed my feelings so deep inside me that I was scarce to feel a single thing at all music was the vehicle that helped me bleed the system and come back to life. Music transports me. It is often how I communicate with folks. It is often now I learn about me.

And I have a HUGE personality. I have a personality that is best when not chained down but also best when it has bumper rails.

I have a real and genuine interest in the world around me and I'd love the chance to share my thoughts and ideas while encouraging constructive dialog.

I have NO problem pushing the envelope, pushing buttons and pushing folks outta their comfort zones. I believe it sparks change.

I'm a complete attention whore ... No shame, I am. But keeping this sparkler lit takes a lot of energy so it would be nice to have a venue in which I could let the flames rise for a finite amount of time and then have time to myself to recharge. I am absolutely no good without a certain amount of quiet time to simmer the volcano.

I speak real good. I'm actually well spoken and articulate when I need to be. Sometimes I even have something of substance to say .. That is coherent .. That is meaningful. Sometimes.

I want the chance to see if my voice is really sexy over the radio. Ya know, like all Stevie Nicks and such.

I want the luxury of not caring at all what I wear to work ... Unless I get to meet someone way cooler than me .... And then I'd (hopefully) have folks that could make me presentable.

I'm actually pretty funny. Well, at least in my own mind I'm good for a few laughs.

I dont like to miss the cool stuff. I love the idea of being connected to everything going on in the city I love. I adore the thought of being a part of the events that make my city so ridiculously awesome.

I have A LOT to say ... And it's best if folks are subjected to that in four hour chunks of time.

I have wicked awful instant karma ... So it's best if I'm physically contained in a small sound booth.

I want to play righteous amazing uber cool music ... And relegate the Ke$has and Biebers of the world back to gutter sludge from whence they came. No craptastic tunes allowed. Don't phone it in, man, bring it live and large.

So that's it. That's my dream job. Of ALL the things that I could be its the one thing that I imagine could get me out of the bed each morning cheerfully. I'd be great at it.
Some other folks might have a good time with me or at my expense too. And that's all good with me.

My Favorite Quote

Blog Challenge Day Three: My Favorite Quote

Many many moons ago my friend Jen drew me a picture. At the bottom she wrote "I just want to me without making it difficult for you to be you".

I never looked the quote up to see if it was lovingly borrowed because I've always wanted to believe they were her words from her heart and soul and spoken directly for me. I am perfectly fine if I never know anything to the contrary.

But those words (and that drawing) have never left me. They struck me so deeply that they became my personal mantra and mission statement. That little phrase defined so gracefully sentiments that I hadn't quite been able to articulate before.

It held true then. It holds true today.

Now, I have always been a little (and a lot) different. Too smart for the typical kids and not smart enough for the geniuses. Too bold and outspoken and then too sensitive and emotional. Too young. Too old. Too much. Not enough. Quite frankly, though over the years I've become comfortable with my peculiarities, it hasn't been until the last year or so that I've ever felt completely comfortable any one place at all.

It's fabulous to be different.
It's big and bright and colorful.
It's glorious.
And unbelievably difficult.
And a constant struggle.
And terribly lonely.
And takes a lot of courage.

Over the years I've collected an amazing array of vastly unique friends. All incredibly different in their race, religion, beliefs, tastes, opinions and experiences. I'm so very very proud of that and all the gifts they bring to my silly little life. I've been able to successfully employ that small phrase in my life and reap its benefits when passionately and honestly applied. I've seen with my own eyes, felt in my soul and drowned in the sadness that results when we CAN'T be who we need to be without leaving room for another to be who they need to be.

I follow events, intently watch the world around me, reconcile my own experiences and keep coming back, again and again, to that tiny cluster of words.

Call it what you want .... "Do unto others" .. "Be the change you wish to see" .. But I know what it is like - first hand - when the world pushes you away because it doesn't have room. I know how I wish to be received and welcomed. I know I have A LOT of room and space for a really lot of things and folks. And I know in my heart and soul how wonderful it is when my orbit is a beautiful chaos of color and light.

Don't get it twisted. I miss the mark a lot. Too often. But I always come right back to a handful of words that I choose to try to live by.

It's what I expect from others. It's what I demand of myself.

I just want to me without making it difficult for you to be you.

Promise.

20 Facts About Me

Blog Challenge Day Two: 20 Facts About Me

(... Which feels kinda silly cuz I'm a fairly open book)

My middle name is Beth but my Nana thought it was "Bath" til the day she died

My favorite color is orange

If I were any cartoon character I'd be Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes

My greatest fear is death and has been since I was very young

My greatest sadness is not having children

My greatest regret / shame is the nine years I lost to obscene amounts of drinking

I'm curious about EVERYTHING

I adore vinegar .. It makes me happy

I love food and cooking but did not learn to cook until a few years ago

I have many MANY fears but a strange tendency toward and fascination with danger and recklessness

My best friend in kindergarten beat me up and (literally) chewed up the pages of my library book ... I beat her up in junior high and we called it even

I cry more at happy things than sad things

I speak my mind (too) often and (too) loudly. And while I'm proud of my bold, sparkly, crazy, brash self and I work hard to be honest, I'm painfully, ridiculously sensitive

I hate melons ... HATE

I love to rent a car and purposely get lost in the cities I visit

I used to volunteer in a hospice for children living with HIV/AIDS

I rode out a stretch of hurricane Rita on the roof of a 17 story building because I was bored

I want to backpack through Europe and road trip across the United States

I've lived West for most of my life but I feel most at home in Boston or New York

I'm the only child of an only child of an only child ... I'm the last Dale

*** Bonus Factoid: My favorite quote is "I just want to be me without making it difficult for you to be you"

My Blog Name

Blog Challenge Day One: My Blog Name

The World According to Wendy.

This thing began as a personal "call on the carpet". I have thoughts - lots of em. Those thoughts manifest in words which I tend to lock up in my cerebral hope chest or spew every which where.
Every once in a while my thoughts make sense. Sometimes they're even poignant. I've been encouraged all my life to write. I've been too afraid to do so. Plain and simple.

I've been going through some major changes and it seemed the perfect time to put these mental murals down while I process the chaos and move toward some semblance of balance and clarity. Since my fear seems bigger than my ambition sometimes, a dear friend built this page for me and aptly named it on my behalf.

I've been seeking out ways to push my own envelope and be productively uncomfortable just to see what I can shake up and what comes of it.

So, the name of this blog is an affirmation of the journey I'm on and the solace I've come to know in my evolution. I no longer wish to "arrive" but am excited about the journey. I still have A LOT of thoughts and use my words a lil too often but I'm fascinated by the changes I'm going through and the paths I'm on and where they lead me.

This IS the world according to Wendy. It's everything and nothing at all. It is the universe as seen by one little girl with a big heart and bigger mouth. And sure as I live, breathe and write it today, it will change at any second. And I'm ok with that. I welcome it just as I welcome all of the forces in my orbit that push, pull, expand and contract causing its evolution.

It's my call to duty to live as I claim I would like to: without boundaries, in the moment, out front and center, with integrity, no apologies and no self compromising. Being real, keeping it real and demanding real in return. It's accountability. It's a reminder. It's a confession when I miss the mark.

This is me and mine in a delicious, wonderful, passionate, beautiful, infuriating, wretched, awesome collision with you and yours.

Neon Octagon

That's EXACTLY how I often feel. Like a giant neon octagon in a sea of circle people.

It is not undeserved. My reputation is well earned. I proudly own the things that make me strange and peculiar. I have, over time, grown comfortably into my oddities.

I have a dear friend that claims one can not describe me ... I'm an experience.

She is probably correct.

Buckle up. Sometimes I'm a bumpy ride.

Though there are many things that I work to improve in my life  I can honestly say that I wouldn't change the things about me that make me fundamentally me.

But there are moments that it is really really challenging to be different.
Glaringly, loudly, boldly, obviously different.

Oh man, I AM different. I'm different in ways that challenge people to their very foundations.

Not because I feel the need to conform (I've long outgrown that feeling), but because it hurts my heart and soul that there are so few octagonal spaces carved out in the world.

Every once in a while I get a sinking sickening feeling that human beings throw around words like inclusion, acceptance, diversity, tolerance because they are fashionable and obligatory.

Every once in a while they prove me right.

Sometimes I even have to call my own self on the carpet for not moving within my integrity toward folks.

I do try. I do fail.

From my vantage point in the universe we humans do love our categories and boxes and labels. We feel better when the world is organized and arranged and predictable. We like entertaining concepts like "us" and "them". We scream for 32 flavors and then bitch about the good ol days of vanilla.
I do these things too. I'm decidedly not unique in this respect.
But I do try.

I try to make room and space and time in my life for a little bit of everyone. I am willing to look sternly at myself when I'm judging and labeling. I wish and hope I am extended the same in return.

Most times I am.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I hit a wall of conformity.

So after having a few of these moments over the past couple of weeks and feeling like I'm doin the 9 second walk of shame for doing my thing and being who I am, I've come around, full circle, and decide (again) to try not be the people I talk bad about. I choose to try to shake it off and continue to like the silly little hot mess that is me. And I tighten up my resolve to keep my promise and make room and space and time for a little bit of everyone. I just have to be open. I don't always have to like what I hear or see in return. But I'm willing to try before I make up my mind. I'm willing to ask and learn.

I take this cyclical journey all the time. I always arrive back in the space I'm in now.

I also promise to continue to challenge the people in my orbit. I hope to never quite be exactly what folks expect of me. I hope I always cause a teeny tiny bit of discomfort. Especially if the result is a few more dimensions and facets to this life we continually shape.

As far as shapes go, I'll be here at the house carving out all manner of shapes that are ready to be filled in my life. I crave and love the crazy puzzle we create.

I just want to be me without making it difficult for you to be you.

Planet Alignment

I had one of "those" days.

Not a play speedbump with people, shank someone with my staple remover, dig at my carotid with a rusty grapefruit spoon kinda day ...

But one of those illusive little days where all the pieces kinda fit. A day in which there's space and room for all my bits and pieces and I'm not throttling myself from one minute to the next or constantly 17 minutes behind every single thing I need to get accomplished. It was a day when a little bit of everything gets done and gets done well.

By no means was it an exceptional day. Nothing truly remarkable happened. I didn't ride a storm, save a life, end world hunger or get a new car ... Though that would've been wicked cool. I didnt score those awesome cowboy boots I'm drooling over right now ... Though that would've been crazy awesome. It was an ordinary day ... A completely extraordinarily ordinary every-day.

I call 'em "All Green Light Days".
No yellows to slow you down.
No reds to roadblock you.
All green lights that allow you to move freely about the universe.

Not to be confused with what I think of as a "Perfect Day". That would be all of what I had today PLUS something (even any little thing) that counts as a "Wow".

Doesn't sound like much but for me it really is. I am terrible at balance. I seem to always be too far ahead or behind or over or under. I'm too much or I'm too little. So when I snatch up one of these sweet little days in my net I revel in every delicious tiny second.

A recap of this day is, well ... I assume kinda anticlimactic to most folks.

I woke up before my alarm wide awake and ready to be out of bed. No snooze abuse.
I got my ironing done without cursing and bitching.
I remembered to pack a lunch (which has been troublesome lately) AND it had nutritional value.
I made it out the door and accidentally noticed I was running 22 minutes early. (WHAT??)
I got an enormous amount of work done today after an hour commute to the boonies and while training another Case Manager.
We planned a pot luck.
I left work feeling like I have a viable plan of attack for tomorrow that is actually attainable. (HUH?!)
Shaved 15 minutes off of my commute home from said boonies and didn't even speed. (Can't explain that one ...)
I did NOT run outta gas. (It was sketchy there for a minute)
Did not feel like getting back out to drive to the gym so I actually got out into the backyard and did an hour long workout including a couple laps around the neighborhood.
*winning*
Sent some messages.
Got some messages.
Chatted with the mom.
Got a call from a friend asking to swing by for an unexpected lovely visit.
Planned a road trip.
Confirmed plans and scheduled myself clear through May.
Found out that my birthday is National Ice Cream Day AND National Lollipop Day (that works)
Washed my face, stuffed my face, curled up in the bed, scratching and pecking out a blog and gearing up for some quality time with my book (not sure how I feel about Virginia Woolf just yet).

Nothing at all even remotely un-ordinary but for the fact that it all came easy and light and successfully. In my book that's pretty damn good.

I love green light days and am so sad that they happen so seldom. I've spent the evening wishin I could crack the code of the secret sauce or find out who I should be thanking for alignment of the planets. I need to take notes on this and commit the formula to memory. Most importantly, I need to sit in the glow of this days awesomeness and just let it be as wonderful as it can be. And it IS glorious.

I need and crave a certain amount of crazy in my life - not a secret or a shock to anyone - but  days like this make my silly little orbit a warm and cozy space to be.

Right on up to the next earth shake and sucking black hole ...

And that's quite enough for me in this moment.

Figure Eights

My hard drinkin days have proven beyond any reasonable doubt that my talents for a particularly potent flavor of chaos are astounding. I'm so good at it that I'm ridiculously awful.

I knew from the moment I chose to get healthy - really truly no bullshit kinda healthy - that there would be much work to do to clean my mess. I know that may never go away and, today, I'm willing and prepared. Or mostly prepared ... Well, .. More willing than prepared. 

Whatever .. I'm here. I'm present and, most importantly, I'm accountable and accounted for. 

I realize and accept that some things may never be made right. 

But there are moments of healing that just suck. Really suck. And during that process my mind gets twisted up in figure eight arguments ... Round and round, loop to loop ... Never really getting anywhere. 

I had one such moment this weekend. That horrible figure eight "I Suck, You Suck" battle that is terribly toxic to me. It's maddening. 

I had the privilege of joining some long time friends for a reunion over the weekend and I was initially so excited. I'm proud of those long standing relationships. I'm proud that we have time and experience and dimension. We have history, man.  I was looking forward to catching up and meeting kiddos and family members .... So excited that I forgot. I forgot that there is a huge chunk of time that I was missing. I was no where to be found. When I was located I was not fit for human consumption at all. And I'm to blame. No one but me. It feels painfully obvious. And in that black hole of time I was certainly not the friend I should have been. 

It's like being one single human being facing a city in the aftermath of a tsunami and having no clue where to even begin .... And knowing that you created that storm. 

I'm never sure which walk I will be doing when I find myself in these situations these days. Am I doin the walk of redemption or am I doing the walk of shame?

So my feelings of pride and excitement slowly turned to anxiety and trepidation. There's still mess and I have no idea how to fix it. So I showed up anyway, took a deep breath and decided to let the experience guide me. 

I rounded the corner into "I Suck". 

Lets face it. I did suck. I have to own that. 

But here's the other terrible truth that has become my reality: If you announce that you have cancer or diabetes folks run out and raise money, shave their heads and organize marathons. People support you through your illness and champion your wellness. (I know ... I had cancer) And when you heal or manage folks move on and all is forgotten. That's not how it works when you are a recovering alcoholic. There is damage you do that is so severe it cuts too deep to heal ... And more often than not folks do not forget and move on. If you have diabetes you maintain your treatment and work toward a cure. If you're a recovering drunk you're not sick, you just need to get your shit together ... 

No matter how you try sometimes folks are not willing to forgive. 

Taking the curve into "You Suck" 

But, now wait, you did these things .. Be accountable and make it right.

Racing right back through "I Suck".

But hold on, if you want me to change then please make room when that change comes. 

Takin the turn on rails right back to "You Suck".

And so it goes. I have that wretched dilemma with someone I have a lot of history and baggage with. I hate it. It hurts my heart. And there is not a single thing I can do about it. 

Except step off the race track. 

So after a few days of running that pointless race in my head I finally stepped off and landed in a place that is relatively new to me. I hit the platform of acceptance. 

When I'm wrapped up in that argument  I usually am, justifiably, stuck in this impossible place of "there is so much more I need to do" or "I shoulda coulda woulda" because I know I've created the storm and left someone else holding a sad excuse for a broom. 

This time was a little different in that I finally got to a place where I feel like I have done all I can do. Honestly and without copping out. And, with all due respect, I'm not willing to do any more. I've been angry and shitty, despondent and detached. I've been remorseful and repentant, sorrowful and apologetic. Ive hung my head and fallen on the sword. I've shown up and then removed myself to accommodate the wreckage of my past and the feelings / boundaries of others. And at this moment the only thing I can do is move forward and get busy getting right. 

I can suck and you can suck and we can have this grudge match for another ten years ... We both lose pathetically. I've lost enough. I need a win. 

I'm certain I will have many more of these moments. I'm absolutely willing to make right what I have made so terribly wrong. But I am not willing to stand in it forever. 

And I'm not willing to become the change that so desperately needed to happen in a space and around folks that have no room for my willingness and sincere action. 

Figure eights make me dizzy. I need some wide open spaces.

Your Happy Makes Me Happy

I'm preoccupied with happiness often these days. I love being in it, letting it wash all over me and stepping back to really take a look at it. I never want its awesomeness to be lost on me. I never want to take it for granted. Not anymore.

These days I live in happy and visit misery. It was not so many moons ago that the opposite was true.

As happens so often in my life my definitions and concepts change and evolve with time, space, challenge, temperance and (utter) failure. The trick, for me, is being with it, embracing the change and moving around in it until it fits. Happiness is no exception.

It's true that I have had many many happy moments in my life. Again, if I'm truly honest, I have to say that "happy" has looked different from time to time in my life. While it has meant joy and celebration it has also been on the darker side of me. Unfortunately I've been happy in selfish sort of ways. I've sometimes been happy at another's expense. I've found joy in spite. I've found joy in danger and recklessness. I'm not necessarily proud of those things but they have been real in my life. I've had "happy" that was tainted with jealousy and "happy" that had a giant "but" attached. I'm pretty sure that I have even been happy AT people.

I evolve. I come around.
My words are changing along with my thoughts and perceptions.
My experiences are changing.

It's been recently that I noticed a remarkable change in my experience of happiness.
I have found myself being completely happy for another persons happy.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is an amazing feeling to be full up on crazy-happy for NO other reason than the person standing next to you is covered up with it themselves.

It's truly lovely to have nothing attached to that feeling that could be found on any darker side of anyone.

And now I crave it. And it's best - in my world - if it has absolutely nothing to do with me other than the fact that I was there to witness it happen.

I attended a wedding and was brought to tears at my sweet friends bliss.
I feel like I want to burst each time I hear stories about a dear friends little ones.
I had the privilege to be part of a surprise planned for someone that is unbelievably important to me.
I've seen a man shed his chains and begin to claim his life.
I shared time and tears and heartspace and ice cream with a friend in need.
I've watched my mother grow as well and continue to recreate herself.

And just about 8 million more small and large moments that are everything and nothing at all ... To anyone but me ... While I'm riding passenger ... Soaking up every molecule.

This does not mean that the clouds part and the angels sing and Chinese food is delivered to my bedside in some kinda Wendy centered nirvana. It doesn't mean that my universe is full of clean white socks and my ironing is always done and all lights are green.

Not so at all. I'm human and (ahem) sometimes whiney, demanding and me-centric. Let's face it .. I do love my moment in the spotlight. To be sure.

But when someone's happy makes me happy, man, it's way better than cheese AND bacon ... AND potatoes ... And even pistachio ice cream. It fits better than my favorite jeans and feels better than perfect spring days.

I dig being a spectator in other folks happy-scapes.

It just means putting my megaphone down every now and again.

Everyday Kinda Crazy

This day had all the makings of a flat out craptastic day. I mean to tell you ... I was braced and ready by 6:30am.

I'm late. I keep forgetting my lunch. I'm overtired. I'm gearing up for yet another battle in the seemingly unending war my coworker likes to wage. It's not looking good. And this is all before I've even stepped in the shower. It was also one of those days that I'd be haulin my cookies all over central Texas and perpetually behind schedule.

I had to race to my office, dodge bullets from previously mentioned coworker, meet a client, do an intake, pack it in, hurtle myself an hour away to another office and catch up on paperwork from yesterday since all systems went down. I'm training lovely new case worker who has the dubious honor of being subjected to my particular flavor of madness for the next 6 months of her life (my condolences and apologies many times over) and my pile just keeps growing. Im pathetically behind. There's not enough stickies or pens, fingers or thumbs, coffee or snacks, ... There's CERTAINLY not enough of me to save the world today. Not to mention, I CLEARLY woke up on the wrong side of my broomstick.

I'm wretched and cranky and my brains are beginning to boil by 11:30am.

Craptastic. That is all. The end.

I hit the road back to town and have to be at the gym and I'm NOT in the mood to squeeze myself into spandex and flail around in the name of healthfulness. In fact, I have absolutely no desire to do anything healthy. I want to bathe in a vat of queso and watch really bad tv and hide in my bed.

I also have to write my blog. Crap! I never have anything to say when I think too hard about tryin to say it! Crap Crap! And I'm behind on that too considering I made a commitment to do this.

Well, 3/4 ain't bad .... Ugh. Ok, maybe 1/2 ...

I review this insane day that was horrible and I plan to rant and rave about how miserable I am ... When I just stop and realize that, when I play it all back in my head, it just sounds silly. And I sound silly for even thinking such silliness.

This is just an everyday kinda crazy. No more. No less.

I show up to the gym in a slightly less frenzied state than I started in, tucked like a lumpy mess of mashed potatoes into my spandex, and it turns into a ridiculously good time. A really really good time, to be exact. A few endorphins, some trash talkin, some laughter and about 1000 squats later I'm allllll good.

I'm all shined up with a big cheesy grin.

Turns out I'm just fine with an everyday kinda crazy.
And, trust me, I know crazy.
Bat shit, outta your skull, crayon eatin, grade A insanity kinda crazy.
I've been there. Like, six pack without the plastic thingy to keep it all together crazy.

Precisely 358 days ago I was waking up in some kind of new breed of hell in which I'd hit rock bottom and asked for a damn shovel.

I remind myself of that often.

Almost a year later I find my brains rising to a slow boil on a Wednesday over completely manageable mundane everyday life things ... And I get the privilege to live to tell about it. I get the privilege of laughing at myself and my silliness. I get to go to the gym in my spandex (Ha! Take that, sucka!!).

Don't get it twisted .. I'm not inviting a repeat to greet me at 6:30am tomorrow. But if it does I'll be just fine. Pretty damn good, actually.

Truth be told, I really wouldn't know what to do if there wasn't even just the slightest bit of crazy around. It's a touch of wild n crazy that makes me, well, .... Me. And I like that part of me.

Today.

Feed Me!!!

<Eyes rolling from all family and friends>

Oh look, she's hungry. Again. Some more.

Tis true. I love food and I love cooking and I love to EAT. Throw in some folks I love and I'm in heaven. Filling the tummies of the ones I love? ... Nirvana.
My cup runneth over ... But it's ok cuz there's more vanilla coffee on the ready.

I'm full up.

I had just such a moment yesterday. But I also had another one of those moments where someone is able to fashion some words to fit my feelings. I'm sitting on a friends couch with hot coffee, a full belly and feeling that all over awesomeness that makes me feel like I'm vibrating a bit. We had spent the day laughing more than anyone should, really, in the produce section of the grocery. We did the kitchen dance, spun around, tripped over, bumped into each other and chopped, diced and sliced our way into a lovely meal. (Im still in the process of forgiveness for a serious kale assault inflicted upon me) Then we found ourselves settling into various cozy spots and even cozier conversations (often interrupted by scathing sarcasm and humor in really poor taste). We shared music and laughter (always TONS of laughter) and frustrations and relentlessly teased and tormented each other.

My sweet angel friend says something to the effect that we are all full .. Our bellies, our spirits, our hearts, etc.

We're full up.

And it's true. She put words, color and texture to that delicious vibration.

And speaking of fullness, appetites and cravings, here's one of the secrets to the Ninja: love and feel goods fill me up just as much as the food I'm obsessed with.
Crazy, right?
The one that is mouthy and naughty and usually on the wilder side of things is MOST full up when her heart and soul are brimming and softly vibrating.

The folks in my inner orbits have figured this out and shamelessly (brilliantly) exploit it.

My fitness trainer needs to motivate me? She hugs on me and tells me that my butt looks good in spandex. Quite frankly, she can lie to me like than any day!
Torqued up at work? Not unheard of that someone in the office will come sing to me or shoot nerf bullets at me out of love or blow bubbles in my cubicle
Unruly and cranky Ninja? I have friends that have figured out that snuggles and a sweet foot massage  makes for a docile (albeit drooling) lil pile of malleable me.
Wendy feeling sad and a lil bruised? Offerings of chocolate covered bacon can pretty much get you, well, ANYTHING you ever wanted outta me.

Unapologetic affection junkie. And my lil soul and spirit perk right up with even the slightest feel-good. Got a warm fuzzy to share? I'm happy to soak it up and pass it along with a little splash o Wendy in it.

Even today, just hobbling around the house (post workout butt annihilation), talking to and joking with the Mum (even after she tried to set the house on fire AGAIN and we took a righteous ass kicking from the washing machine), setting everything in its proper place as we approach Monday zero hour ... Things are just right and I'm full.

This does not preclude the fact that I'm still fiery and sassy and, sometimes, way too much to handle. It AIN'T rainbows and cotton candy all the time, baby, that's for sure!

But in these small and sweet moments - like improv comedy in the produce aisle - I'm so happy to know that it really and honestly takes so very little to make me feel so very full. What a blessing and gift.

I dont need a whole lot (ok, who am I kidding, I love LOTS of love and food and, well, everything) ... but i do need it to be real and honest. And I feel sorry for anyone who is not me in these moments.

You Uncomfortable, Baby? Good!

Brutal words from a loving and long time friend. Sounds pretty sick, huh? Mean, even ..

Well, kinda. In the most loving sorta way. I refer to that friend as my gentle jack-hammer.

But important to remember that I am absolutely NOT the kinda girl that you suggest a life change to and I enthusiastically reply by immediately making said change. I have been known to be stubborn from time to time. I've been accused of being headstrong. I've been known to, unfortunately, hold onto things that were toxic or pointless because I'm afraid to change my mind or my course.

Fear. Blech. Pffffffftttt. .. Like anyone enjoys admitting to that.

Let it not be said that I'm completely change resistant. That is not the case. I do love change and adventures and new experiences. I just really prefer change when it's easy and has nothing but potential positive outcomes! ... But I do have a tendency to cozy up and get comfortable, or cave in under my own fear ... Or worse yet, get overly attached to the strangling constricting chained up choke hold of my ego.

Then I want change! Then a change is in front of me. I don't want change! (See a pattern?)

So fore mentioned long time loving jack hammer friend looks at me one day while I have my heels dug in and my inner bitch is polished up and I'm ready for battle ... And says ...

"You uncomfortable, baby? ... Good! That means somethin is changin ... And you REALLY need to change"

What in hell??!!
Seriously?!
Don't you know who I am? How infinitely important I am?
I'm a ninja!

Ugh.

She actually hit the bullseye and I - eventually - had the good sense to see it and be able to relate it to situations in my life. That does not mean she suggested a life change to me and I ran right out and made sweeping life changes. Uh, noooooooooo.
But I did think about it for about 15 years or so. Give or take.

Fast forward to the here and now. The past 12 months (2 years, really) has been nothing BUT change.  I can proudly report that I only had vicious self righteous snot ball sniveling tantrums about 17% of the time. ... Well maybe 23%. I'm a work in progress.

And in the past couple months I've made some very conscious decisions to do things that make me uncomfortable to spark the changes that will help me become the person I want to be and reflect the things I admire in other folks.

<insert "she has lost her damn mind" here>

Well, that may be true.
But it produced a blog among other things.

Folks have been encouraging me to write for a long long time. And putting the hot mess in my head down on paper (screen) is intensely personal and, quite frankly, terrifying for me.
What if no one reads it?
What if everyone reads it?
What if .... Period.

But with a giant push (shove) from an angel I did it.
Then I messed around and made it public.
EEEEEEKKKKK!

And GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??!!!!!
Yeah, nothing.
Except I'm proud of it, feel good about it, feel reasonably uncomfortable in a cool funky sorta way, and its become more about me rather than what anyone else thinks about it if at all.

I changed.
So I'm gonna keep pushing the envelope a bit just to see where the journey takes me. It feels really good if I can get over myself long enough to make the jump.

I'm hoping the folks in my life keep shoving and hammering and encouraging me to be the best me I can be .... Even when they have to drag me toward it kicking, sniveling and bitching. Snot balls and all.

Find Your Bliss

Suffice it to say that my definition of bliss has changed many MANY times over the years. My bliss has been love and sex, money and power, music and literature, lies and destruction, delusion and distraction, friendship and fellowship ... To name a few. My bliss is a lot like me ...

She is and has been many many things from one minute to the next.

Happily, with a lil age, temperance, struggle, chance and change my bliss has maintained its form for some stretch now. She is far less reckless and wild and generally settles on me like a warm blanket.

Well, I'm still a bit wild .. Just a gentler, warmer, fuzzier wild.
I'm kinda like Cherry 7-Up rather than carbonated Wild Turkey.

I do much better these days to seek out, notice, embrace, APPRECIATE and - get this - sometimes create bliss.

That does not at all negate the fact that I am still completely drawn to extremes. I struggle with balance in my life. If there is a train wreck I'm running straight toward it ... Or I drove the train head on. It's what makes my life simultaneously exciting and utterly impossible.

Now, my bliss is an allusive little thing. She is hiding in corners while I'm circling the room for the third time looking for the coffee cup I misplaced 17 seconds ago. She giggles at me and shakes her head.

But when she comes into the light ... She is brilliant.

I've also done better to appreciate my bliss out loud and in the moment. I keep learning better ways to sit in it and soak up every molecule and then share it. Since I have to work on coloring in the lines and hittin the middle of the road my bliss most often looks like .. Well, looks like the weekend I'm finishing up right now. Bliss comes to me in the form of Perfect Days. Perfect to me, anyway. It looks like having done a lil bit of everything very well rather than too much or not enough of any one thing. It looks like a precious few moments of homeostasis.

It does NOT happen very often ... AT ALL. But when it does its glorious. And for some odd reason I had three WHOLE days in a row of bathing in that lovely glow.

What does my bliss look like?

It looks like a random vacation day on Friday just cuz I needed and wanted one. It looks like waking up early on said Friday morning completely rested and not feeling frenzied. It's a series of 3 new restaurant foodie adventures. I spent time with some lovely angel friends, wandered a FABULOUS book Mecca, toured a cool record store (yup, we still have one), heard some live music and bought some new music, curled up on a friends couch with a steaming cup of coffee and a good book. It was divine blueberry pie on National Pi Day. It was bacon, sausage, cheese, egg hash and sides of fruit with no icky melon (blech!!). Bliss was a home cooked meal provided by someone that loves us enough to feed our souls and bellies. Bliss was the best-ever dance recital by yours truly as I channeled the movie version of Rent. (Well, that may be a lie ... I seriously can't dance ... But I did a mean floor crawl). Bliss was absolutely and totally laughing until I literally cried. Having someone to share that laughter with was pretty damn cool. I visited a bit with my mother about life, mascara and sports bras. I put my laundry away, put my sneakers on and got in a couple pretty righteous work outs. I SLEPT (which is really a gift to those around me). I spent some time working on my spiritual fitness. I gave and received many many hugs. I saw a really shitty movie with really beautiful people. I spent even more time laughing until I cried over the critical issues of Olympic Curling and bearded redneck men. I sang classic 50s music at the table between bites at brunch. It even included the hour that I carved out to sort out and deal with the pile of medical bills ... Because it only took an hour, it got done instead of ignored and that's the price I'm paying to be cancer free. Bliss.

And during all these (very) simple creature comforts my soul was completely at ease. I smiled for no particular reason. I smiled because someone else was smiling. I spoke to strangers with kindness. I was breathing, living, loving and present to soak up every minute. And I was not swimming in shit soup over everything that has already passed and all things I feel the need to fret over for tomorrow that haven't even happened yet. And probably won't.

That's my bliss. A little bit of ALL things done well. Again, it doesn't happen very often. Though it happens more often these days than it ever has. And when it does it gives me enough go-juice to step
into the big wide world tomorrow.

It's everything I needed and more than enough.

"People and Tables"

It's the title of a song that I really really love. (Shameless enthusiastic shout out to Sinead Lohan)

There are several lines in that song that resonate with me and make me think about who I am and how I see things and folks as they float around and collide in the universe.

"People and tables are set to the bone .."
"Waiting for nothing confuses the mind .."
"I never wanted and I never got .."

I have this image in my mind of a sterile room with a table that is set with all manner of finery ... And not a soul sitting at it while sharing a meal and conversation breathing life and love into a room. Set for the sake of being set with no reason and nothing to show for it.

While I enjoy the parts of me that seek out adventure and new experiences and peculiar people now I wonder how often I've been set ... With no reason and nothing to show for it.

It's not difficult to think of times in my life that I've abandoned my ambition, passion and fire waiting for the nothing in my soul to slowly and painfully mirror the nothing I was creating in my world. Waiting for nothing does confuse the mind. It suffocates the spirit.

I have a friend who told me years ago that if I wanted or needed something in this life that I should make my needs and my intentions and my desires known to the universe. The universe can sort out the details but at least I've done my part.

When I'm set to the bone like an abandoned table, waiting for nothing, never wanting and certainly never receiving anything I'm prone to do crazy things like feel sorry for myself ... And, best of all, blame the world at large for all the things that I figure I'm entitled to. This is one of my character flaws that invariably creates a whole lot more of nothing .. And nothing at all that resembles what I need.

My mother used to tell me when I was cranky and incorrigible (pfffttttt ... Like THAT ever happened) that if I wanted to be loved I needed to be lovable.

- insert blinding glimpse of the obvious here.

Turns out if I'm in need I probably need to let someone know. Especially since folks are insufferably dense with regard to mind reading. It seems that if the phone aint ringin its most often cuz I didn't make a call first or wasnt fit to be called. Also turns out, oddly, that when I ask for something the universe responds. Doesn't always look the way I want or thought I needed it to ... But a response is issued.

And I've done my part.

I want my table to be full of food and friends, colors and music and interesting bits of, well, everything! I never want to wait for nothing though I do want to be open to being patient and to whatever the universe has set to collide with me. And I need to remember that I never get if I never set a desire free in the wide world and I rarely get what I never ask for.

That's the trick ... Remembering what I'm so quick to forget.

My Hidden Clever

Actually, what was said was "Your cleverness is hidden, in my opinion"

Huh?

"I just feel at times you filter yourself, which hides your full level of cleverness"

What the .. ?!
BWAHAHAHAHA!

Never in my life have I ever been accused of being too filtered. Quite the contrary. I think folks sometimes wish I were more filtered. Don't get me wrong, I like the part of me that's bold and speaks my mind and tries hard to be what I am in the moment and express it. This friend implied that I hold myself back.

Really?!

Well, now, wait .. I DO hold my tongue from time to time if I feel that I'm about to go WAY over the top. Not often, that's for sure. But I do. And I'm certainly capable of "way over topness".

But I do value the opinion of this friend. If I truly consider him a friend and then tell him he's full of crap when he makes an observation well then I'm not really honoring his friendship at all. And I was legitimately intrigued. What does he see? Is it an accurate assessment? Is he seeing something I don't or, more importantly, something I NEED to see.

If I understood him correctly he feels that I have more to offer if I don't censor myself. I still didn't feel censored or like I hold back. But that may have been the whole point. When he says "filtered" what does it mean to me? Do I need to re-think my concept of filtered?

After 24 hours of rolling it around in my head I concluded that maybe he was not correct ... But not incorrect either. In golf that's called a bad ball with a good result.

It would seem that I AM truly filtered sometimes. Filtering what I'm feeling or saying or meaning through humor.

The truth is that I'm loud and bold and mouthy and brash ... And tragically soft in the middle. Im sappy and I'm pathetically sensitive. And when I feel things I feel them REALLY big. Sometimes I use humor and sarcasm to temper that or make it easier to swallow. Sometimes I use humor to say what I want or need to say without owning up to the emotion I'm really feeling behind it.
Essentially, sometimes I cheat.

And that's completely out of alignment with my whole mission of being and saying and doing and feeling exactly what I need to be in the moment. Honestly.

So, thanks Big J. I needed that lil mental shake and bake. You truly gave me something to think about and helped me change my mind. Thanks for keeping me aligned. It made me uncomfortable and that's what causes change. Clearly, you knew I needed an oil change on my perspective.

My humor is a talent and an asset and very much a part of who I am. I'm not giving it, or my cleverness, up. But I will do better to make sure it is well placed and well intentioned .....
And that I'm not cheating.

I Just Need a "Win"

That was the phrase used by a man sitting next to me. He threw it out onto the table like you'd throw change on the nightstand and it seemed simple enough .. But simple often escapes me.

Those five little words hit me like lightening.

Sometimes, if I'm listening carefully, folks in my life say the most amazing things. It's that magical moment when someone puts words to the feelings in my heart and the discord in my soul that I had not been previously able to express or define on my own.

Sometimes words crash into me and wash over me like water. Words are powerful powerful things.
Words change the universe.
Words shift me on my axis.

"I just need a win"

What I think he meant is that sometimes the weight of life, choices, struggles, healing, change etc become so overwhelming that one feels buried and challenged beyond our capabilities and energy. Sometimes we just need the slightest glimmer of hope and success to push one - sometimes only one - foot in front of the other. It doesn't have to be big. We just need ONE damn thing to fall into place . And that's enough to hope that the next moment will be worth surviving the last.

He made his bed.
I thought it was brilliant.

In that moment it was the only effort he could muster and took all the energy he could summon.
But he did it.
And it changed the course of his entire day. In my book that's a resounding success.

My mother used to say to me that we should celebrate all successes no matter how large or small. It has been proven so true and necessary in my life that I've made it a mantra.

I absolutely need small wins throughout my day. I need them to feel valid and capable and in motion. Unfortunately, I'm often so focused on the big payoff that I forget to honor my small victories.

I had the privilege to share the story of that man today and I was present to celebrate a dear friends small, yet incredibly poignant, "win" today. I was so happy for her happiness.

Better still, I got to remember that little life lesson and take a whole second to look out for and seize my daily win. I'm human and I forget things all the time.

I had a couple. Maybe even a few.

I made it to work with no tv remote control in my car.
I got to share a sweet life lesson with someone who needed it more than I.
I had chocolate on the ready for those enduring yet another conference call.
I hugged and congratulated a client who had worked so hard for her own "win"
I got a RIDICULOUSLY good BLT with a fried egg for dinner.

And tomorrow I'm going to make my bed.
I'm hoping that's the start of an all-green-light day.

Thought Stew

Ever need a good laugh? Challenge a sparkly random brain like mine to blog.

My head is so full all of the time that I figured it would be easy to reach up and pluck a thought from my cranial brambles and commit it to page .. Screen? Whatever ..

Decidedly NOT so.

It should have meaning ... It should be deep ... It should answer the questions of the universe, cure cancer, feed the hungry and house the homeless.

No, wait ...

It should be funny ... It should be spontaneous ... It should be bold and in your face 

Hold on, better still ...

It should be .. Should be .. Should ..

This is ridiculous. I enjoy (for the most part) the randomness in my skull. Best to just stick with what I do best and stop getting tangled in 'should' and deep meaning and esoteric existentialism. Those things might happen ... They might not.

The point of doing this blog was to get uncomfortable, shake things up and see where the journey takes me. (Mission accomplished) This, like experiencing life, can't happen if I'm hung up on semantics. It's kinda supposed to be fun.

Essentially, when I'm fussing about silliness then I'm missin all the good stuff.

Take, for example, this evening. I'm fussing over what to write and it's sucking all the joy out of even writing at all. So I throw it to the creative collective that is my inner circle. I ask them to give me words .. Any words .. Just need an assist and a jump start. Together they gather their vast educations and staggering vocabularies and lifetimes of experience .. And spit back the following:

Bacon, reality tv, puppies, kittens, grocery shopping, pitifully lacking sex lives, metaphoric dust bowls, the time change, rainbows, chicken fried steak, alka seltzer, governor Rob Ford, The Beatles, Bronies (shiver),
.. In the library
.. With a candle stick
.. By Ms Peacock

Thats right. THIS is the finest our educational system has to offer up.
(Thank you for your expert tutelage)
And it's freakin awesome. WAY better than all the "meaningful" crap I'd planned to impart upon the world.

And I got it.
Just stir your thought stew, shut up about it and write.
Dont miss out on the awesomeness of rainbows and bacon while being so consumed with whether or not this silly little blog will advance the cause of endangered salamanders.

Maybe it will. But not tonight. Tonight is just word soup. And that's cool too.

Scrambled Wendy With Bacon, Please

I've had a week. Not a day or moment but a whole damn week of madness. I feel like a cartoon character in a car with their hair blown straight back and eyeballs poppin out of their skull, foam sliding from the corners of my mouth and a giant vein pulsating in the center of my forehead .... And the car will only move 5 miles an hour.

I've been stretched and scattered and wearing myself out. There were not enough hands and feet and hours and CERTAINLY not enough patience. Or brain cells, for that matter.

But I did it. All of it.
I somehow took care of my clients, made it in and out of four counties all week, showed up for meetings and training, cooked for potluck, showed up for my friends, asked them to show up for me and made it to the gym finally. I helped plan another work party, got a friend to the airport, and, by the end of tomorrow, will have made it to dinner with family, attended the theater, cleaned a friends house, had a movie date, and managed to read some of the awesome book I'm pecking away at.

(I didn't, however, sleep much. That's my PSA, by the way. Fair warning ... )

My plans for this morning fell through at the last minute so I got up early and went to the gym and now, for a few precious glorious hours on this grey rainy morning, I have reprieve.
I'm breathing.
The tv remote is in its place rather than my car (Friday morning brain scramble)
There is no random drunk man crawling in the passenger seat of my car (HIS Friday evening brain scramble).

I'm just laying on my bed. Breathing.

This week drove me manic and insane.
And I need to handle my business, take a step back, stop whining and thank my blessed crazy spinning lucky stars.

Because I remember (painfully and often) when NONE of that was possible.

I'm worn out and beat up because my life is full and colorful and blessed and filled with life, love, laughter (LOTS of laughter) and truly amazing people. (And food)
Hmmmmmm
Now THERE'S something to bitch about ....

I've struggled with addiction most of my adult life. That is a true statement. Wretchedly, horrible true. But it's my truth. And I'm gettin right with it. I'm in a really really good space in my life these days.
That is also the truth.
And, even more honest than that, there have been huge amounts of time where I most certainly could not physically, emotionally or spiritually have even begun to think of weathering the week that just slammed into me. Much less doing it at all. I hated that about me. I hated the silence of the phone not ringing, the calendar being empty and no beautiful souls to surround and lift me because, lets face it, who the hell would want to.

I really and truly function better in this life when I'm not doin it alone and when it's full and colorful 
and blessed and filled with life, love, laughter (LOTS of laughter) and truly amazing people.

That being said, this week WAS insane. I AM worn out. I AM cranky and petulant. 
But the gift is absolutely NOT lost on me.

 I have known some very bad weeks indeed. And if this is the very worst that could happen to me in the past seven days then I'm doing pretty damn good.

I'm actually blessed and rich beyond measure.

So bring it on. I got this. I don't even have to like it to "got this". When it's all said and done and I'm laying in the bed with a few glorious hours to catch my breath before I'm locked and loaded again I'm actually giving thanks.

Thank you for madness and insanity. Thank you for overworked day planners and irritating Outlook reminders. Thank you for sandwich prowlers and strange lost drunk passengers. Thank you for lovely angels that laugh in my face and say "bless your heart" when I'm not acting right. Thank you for meatballs!

These are lil baby memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And, knowing me, probably odd stories that I'll be spinning out for anyone who needs a good laugh.

But for right now I gotta hurry up and chill out.

Left of Center

Today was just one of those days. From the minute I opened my eyes - literally - my brain was racing. What time is it? Where do I need to be? How many minutes do I have? How can I cram one more thing into the finite number of hours I'm allotted on a Thursday?? Why did I just apply a hand full of face soap into my hair?

My hair was as foamy as my brain.

MAKE IT STOP!
... And that was all before 7:00am.
Nothing good will come of this.

And my day lived up to the monstrous image I had at 7:00am. Not enough minutes and too many To-Dos and too many people and .. and ... and. My manager asks if I'm ok. I tell her I am and that Im just swerving right and left of center and can not seem to hit stride in the middle to save my life.

I struggle with balance. Always have. It's my eternal challenge.

Sigh. Some days are just flat out toad eatin days. And I'm alright with that. I just get lost in the fray and forget how to breathe and need perspective.

Blessedly, I find that when I'm bright shiny crazy and I have the good sense to throw it out to the universe and ask for a life line the universe responds.

The phone rings.
Im so excited to hear the voice on the other end say that she is ratty and nutso too. Manic meets mayhem. Perfect!
I tell on myself.
I'm officially wound up tighter than an 8 day clock and bat shit crazy. We agree that misery requires ... Well, ..
Food.
Music.
And lack of meaningful conversation while breathing in the same space.
And food. Again. Some more.

And so the evening unravels and I unravel and she unravels ... And another friend joins and then another. All spinning in the same orbit and just enjoying space. (And food).

I finally FINALLY get from a head space to a heart space and I'm sooooooo grateful. Grateful that the universe answered and the phone rang and someone else was crazy and I was able to stave off road rage there was somewhere to share space ... Quiet space .. Breathing space ... With people I truly love .. And food.

Above all, I am so thankful that I have several angels spinning in my orbit that understand, appreciate and revel in the ability to have lack of meaningful conversation. I love that I have friends with whom silence is not uncomfortable. What a lovely gift.

I love that I have friends and family that have time and space and room for me to be whatever I need to be in the moment ... And that may be many MANY things from one minute to the next. I'm delightfully schizophrenic that way.

Tonight I just needed to be human BEING and put away the human DOING.
With food.

Thank you! Now what do you want ....

I was working in a lil bitty dot of a town called Burnet today. Booming metropolis it is not. It's a conservative little sleepy town of good hard working church goin folk about an hour from where I live. I currently work out there twice a week. I enjoy the drive and find it nice and comforting to be out where life is slower for a whole minute. The Sonic restaurant does a steady stream of business and the local gas station is the morning gathering spot where folks fill up on caffeine and gossip.

I dig it. I'm amused. And as a VERY much citified kid I often feel like big glaring neon bull in a china shop.

And while the Sonic can certainly fill my greasy burger cravings and The BBQ Shak is always tempting with its wood bench and rolls of paper towels I wasn't feeling either of those dining experiences today. I had this crazy notion that I'd try to be healthy and head to to grocery store to pick up something less fried and less BBQd. This was the plan. A lovely salad ... Maybe some fresh fruit. Something NOT accompanied by tots. I aimed my car for the grocery store and took that 18 second drive with great resolve and pride in my good choices.

Now, MY grocery store is more like a bonafide food expo. THIS grocery store is kinda like a large fruit stand with a meat counter and a freezer. I think it's cute. I feel kinda patronizing and snobbish ... Don't they KNOW how cool my grocery is??!!

I walk through the doors and the two folks leaving as I go in smile warmly at me. It warms my heart. I smile back. There is country music overhead and folks crossing off their grocery lists and tending to their babies. But what struck me is that folks were actually talking to each other . They were calling each other by name and asking about their days and families with genuine concern. How weird! A lot of folks ask how you are doing without ever caring about the answer and probably hope you WON'T answer. I think it's sweet, this sense of community ....

Until ..

Community caught up to me and was standing in line behind me.

I found a lovely Granny Smith Apple and, in the absence of fresh deli sandwich selection, chose a healthy (looking) frozen sandwich that I could heat up. I get in line. An older woman waits behind me. Politely. Hair done. Make up in place. She knows the folks in line. She knows the cashier by name. And, in this moment, what she really wants to know is what I'm eatin and why. She asks me if I've had this sandwich before, do I like it, are there others like it, should she try it. I answer politely.

Then it happened. She all but (gently) pushed me out of the way and reached for my grocery selections wanting to read the label, review sodium content, calories per serving, brand name .. And she prefaced all this by saying "I'm not stealin .. Just lookin". She's sweet as pie. But I'm ALL kinds of uncomfortable and reacting in a very citified way. Why is she touching MY stuff (though I've technically not purchased it yet)? Why is she so involved in my lunch? It's just frozen food, people! She clearly must be up to something shady! NO ONE is this curious about strangers or nice just to make conversation. SHE'S IN MY GROCERY SPACE!

Oh good grief ... Really, Wendy?!

I thought for about a second and it occurred to me that this woman was just being friendly and
treating me the way she probably treats everyone in this teeny tiny town. She had random sandwich envy. No harm no foul.

And then I felt sad about my thoughts and first inclinations. What did I think she was going to do? Commit green apple assault? Snatch up my $2.37 sandwich and make a break for it? It's not like she licked the damn thing and handed it back to me.

I don't know what I thought, really. I just know that one second I was appreciating this small town country courtesy and then utterly freaked out and peeved that I'd been the recipient of it.

I was grateful for her extended gesture of friendship. I was excited that another person out there has the same sandwich scrutiny as I do. Lets be clear. She was not being crazy or weird. She had genuine lunch concerns and I had the answers. 

I got over it, realized I was being ridiculous, smiled, wished her well in her sandwich endeavors, paid and left. I walked to my car and was happy for that 6-7 minutes of my life. I was also a bit disenchanted. What kind of life am I living when I immediately expect folks to be shady and I'm automatically suspicious when shown kindness and regard? Seems a bit backward to me.

The thing I didn't do was thank her. 
I should have.