I've been on a mission.
I've been seeking Wow.
I've spent the past 18 months relearning, rethinking and redefining "Wow".
It doesn't look the way I thought or the way I remember (well, kinda remember). In all honesty, my wow looks better than I ever could have imagined. It's sweeter and simpler. And in that sweet simplicity I find magic.
I do believe in magic. I do. And no one can convince me otherwise.
I don't find wow where I used to find it. Thank Goodness!! Often I find it around me in the world. Bright beautiful moments that make me stare in wonder like a child. More often than not I find wow in the brilliant stars I collect in my orbit that masquerade as people.
In addition to this seeking of wow I've found myself seeking love in my life as well. Craving it, really. It's been more years than I care to admit. A lot of years ... Did I mention its been years?
Ugh. Years.
Pfffffftttt.
So I love that I heard "wow" in reference to love come from a star spinning in my orbit in the last couple weeks. It's simplicity was absolutely awesome. It was actually a definition of love offered to me in exchange for my opinion.
Now, I've heard folks try to define love with words and criteria, sex and categories, requirements and strategies. But never in my life have I heard love described as a scenario. A scenario so beautifully culled down that I feel I may shame it with my own words. I'll try to do it justice and apologize in advance for anything I miss or leave out.
As I - if I - remember it begins with getting ready to go to a dinner party at a friends. Get dressed, get in the car, drive to party. Get to party, part ways, mingle apart from one another. One talking to one group and one talking to another group. Quietly bring food to the other, not because one asked but simply because it was their favorite and a small lovely unsolicited gesture. And somewhere in the evening over the noise and across the room you catch each others eyes. And without saying a word it's understood that the sentiment is as follows:
I'm busy and distracted in this moment but you are the most important thing on my mind and in my heart and I'm coming right back to you.
Essentially, I'm here. And you matter. And it's unspoken.
You are my heart space.
(Pause)
Wow.
And that was it. A whole definition of love. Just like that.
It floored me.
(Wendy stares wide eyed in wonder like a child)
Heeeeeeyyyyy .. I WANT THAT!!
So I'm gonna spend some quality time shouting that request out to the universe and being incredibly grateful to the star that shared that light.
And maybe, if I'm really really lucky, there will be cheese, bread, berries and green grapes on the plate lovingly provided by my Wow.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Stasis
These thoughts began at about 5:00am.
Oddly, it's one of my favorite hours of the day. It's the hour before the sun breaches the horizon, the hour before the world is a flurry of activity, the time before the world comes to life and I feel the need to spring into action. It's quiet and I can breathe. For a moment everything feels clear and clean and possible.
Stasis.
It's a rare space that I have difficulty finding and truly cherish when I do.
Obviously, it makes me feel reflective and contemplative. Today is no exception. But this particular 5:00am feels a bit like a gift that I have a responsibility to receive. This last week has afforded me the opportunity to review the sum of all my parts in many many ways. It might almost be rude to not accept this hour as a reason to reflect and celebrate. I graciously and gratefully accept.
The universe provides. Man, does it ever. Sometimes I actually have the wherewithal to "get it".
I've been running and jumping and playing so fast and furious for the past year and this last month my world has slowed way down. Waaaaaayyyyy down. I began that journey into doubt and anxiety that something was going wrong and maybe I'd lost the mojo that I'd been riding ... (Because thats where my silly little brain likes to go) ... When it snapped into focus like lightening.
The universe had very deliberately slowed my pace because there was something I needed to focus on. A few things, actually.
The past month has been a whirlwind of new and crazy and uncertain and peculiar.
I needed time and space to be in those moments. 'Cuz it's worth it.
The past week was truly the sum of my parts. I needed time to stop learning and start engaging and employing.
I hit some milestones. Major ones. Minor ones.
I hit my target weight which is a huge deal as it was so incredibly important to me to be able to begin and complete a goal for so many reasons I just don't have words to explain, That path began an odyssey that took me places I never thought myself capable of.
My outsides and insides are aligned. I'm awestruck.
I completed a two year life changing journey that has been wrought with pain and agony and struggle and beauty and wonder ... Again, I don't have sufficient words.
I am listening - en masse, with great clarity - to the culmination of phrases and thoughts lovingly gifted to me over a span of 20 years and they finally all fit. Make sense. Apply.
I got seriously uncomfortable and then found courage and got in motion.
I found - dare I say - a moments worth of balance and when I couldn't I reached out and found those that could hold me steady.
I had one of those "A-ha" weeks where all these things converged to create a perfect storm of goodness ... And I was there, present, awake, alive and accounted for to "get it".
That's a miracle for this little girl. I found that illusive little space where I understood the balance of action and stasis.
So, thank you Universe, for slowing my roll.
And, thank you self, for putting in the hard work to get me here.
Job well done. 'Cuz it's worth it.
Some of the things that hit their mark?
(But first, lets not get it twisted ... I've "known" these things .. "Heard" these things .. They just all came together in a manner in which I could feel them and see the proof of them working)
Don't open your mouth until you can NOT be full of shit.
The bravest thing you'll ever do is fall apart.
Courage is being scared shitless and doing it anyway.
Everyone's opinion is none of your damn business.
Choose wisely and treat kindly.
Don't leave before the miracle.
Be brave and then be patient.
Saying you won't accept my help is like saying you don't trust my friendship.
Human being rather than human doing.
We celebrate all successes .. No matter the size.
Live, love and laugh.
Tell on yourself.
Be sure your head and heart and shoulders and intentions are all facing the same direction.
Live. It. Out. Loud.
And then a more recent one. One that literally stopped me in my tracks causing me to dig desperately in my purse for a pen to write it down on the first scrap of anything I could find.
"Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a catastrophe and a miracle."
(Hitched breath)
(Slow exhale)
(Lightening bolt)
I don't have words for exactly what happened to me when I heard that ... But it was profound.
And I had to force myself into one of those quiet moments and sit with those words for a bit. We had to get to know each other. We had to define our relationship. We had to stare each other down and be pissed at each other for a while. Then we had to hug it out and decide to love each other.
I fear I've mistaken one for the other and not appropriately celebrated either.
I'm working on it.
I think both are important.
I think I've done myself and those situations the great disservice of creating one when I needed the other and ignoring them both when they begged for my attention.
I'm working on that too.
So this morning I sat with myself ... At 5:00am ... And stasis settled on me and I welcomed it. And we just were.
She gave me room and I chose to reflect and appreciate.
And I made a promise that I'd continue to embrace the catastrophe and seek the miracle.
Then I'll be brave and be patient
But I'm human and busy and distracted and forgetful .. So I'll be reaching out to my angels to give me gentle reminders. I'll be sure to return the love. This is why we keep our angel wings around each other. Because at 5:00am it all comes together and makes sense.
Oddly, it's one of my favorite hours of the day. It's the hour before the sun breaches the horizon, the hour before the world is a flurry of activity, the time before the world comes to life and I feel the need to spring into action. It's quiet and I can breathe. For a moment everything feels clear and clean and possible.
Stasis.
It's a rare space that I have difficulty finding and truly cherish when I do.
Obviously, it makes me feel reflective and contemplative. Today is no exception. But this particular 5:00am feels a bit like a gift that I have a responsibility to receive. This last week has afforded me the opportunity to review the sum of all my parts in many many ways. It might almost be rude to not accept this hour as a reason to reflect and celebrate. I graciously and gratefully accept.
The universe provides. Man, does it ever. Sometimes I actually have the wherewithal to "get it".
I've been running and jumping and playing so fast and furious for the past year and this last month my world has slowed way down. Waaaaaayyyyy down. I began that journey into doubt and anxiety that something was going wrong and maybe I'd lost the mojo that I'd been riding ... (Because thats where my silly little brain likes to go) ... When it snapped into focus like lightening.
The universe had very deliberately slowed my pace because there was something I needed to focus on. A few things, actually.
The past month has been a whirlwind of new and crazy and uncertain and peculiar.
I needed time and space to be in those moments. 'Cuz it's worth it.
The past week was truly the sum of my parts. I needed time to stop learning and start engaging and employing.
I hit some milestones. Major ones. Minor ones.
I hit my target weight which is a huge deal as it was so incredibly important to me to be able to begin and complete a goal for so many reasons I just don't have words to explain, That path began an odyssey that took me places I never thought myself capable of.
My outsides and insides are aligned. I'm awestruck.
I completed a two year life changing journey that has been wrought with pain and agony and struggle and beauty and wonder ... Again, I don't have sufficient words.
I am listening - en masse, with great clarity - to the culmination of phrases and thoughts lovingly gifted to me over a span of 20 years and they finally all fit. Make sense. Apply.
I got seriously uncomfortable and then found courage and got in motion.
I found - dare I say - a moments worth of balance and when I couldn't I reached out and found those that could hold me steady.
I had one of those "A-ha" weeks where all these things converged to create a perfect storm of goodness ... And I was there, present, awake, alive and accounted for to "get it".
That's a miracle for this little girl. I found that illusive little space where I understood the balance of action and stasis.
So, thank you Universe, for slowing my roll.
And, thank you self, for putting in the hard work to get me here.
Job well done. 'Cuz it's worth it.
Some of the things that hit their mark?
(But first, lets not get it twisted ... I've "known" these things .. "Heard" these things .. They just all came together in a manner in which I could feel them and see the proof of them working)
Don't open your mouth until you can NOT be full of shit.
The bravest thing you'll ever do is fall apart.
Courage is being scared shitless and doing it anyway.
Everyone's opinion is none of your damn business.
Choose wisely and treat kindly.
Don't leave before the miracle.
Be brave and then be patient.
Saying you won't accept my help is like saying you don't trust my friendship.
Human being rather than human doing.
We celebrate all successes .. No matter the size.
Live, love and laugh.
Tell on yourself.
Be sure your head and heart and shoulders and intentions are all facing the same direction.
Live. It. Out. Loud.
And then a more recent one. One that literally stopped me in my tracks causing me to dig desperately in my purse for a pen to write it down on the first scrap of anything I could find.
"Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a catastrophe and a miracle."
(Hitched breath)
(Slow exhale)
(Lightening bolt)
I don't have words for exactly what happened to me when I heard that ... But it was profound.
And I had to force myself into one of those quiet moments and sit with those words for a bit. We had to get to know each other. We had to define our relationship. We had to stare each other down and be pissed at each other for a while. Then we had to hug it out and decide to love each other.
I fear I've mistaken one for the other and not appropriately celebrated either.
I'm working on it.
I think both are important.
I think I've done myself and those situations the great disservice of creating one when I needed the other and ignoring them both when they begged for my attention.
I'm working on that too.
So this morning I sat with myself ... At 5:00am ... And stasis settled on me and I welcomed it. And we just were.
She gave me room and I chose to reflect and appreciate.
And I made a promise that I'd continue to embrace the catastrophe and seek the miracle.
Then I'll be brave and be patient
But I'm human and busy and distracted and forgetful .. So I'll be reaching out to my angels to give me gentle reminders. I'll be sure to return the love. This is why we keep our angel wings around each other. Because at 5:00am it all comes together and makes sense.
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