My Hidden Clever

Actually, what was said was "Your cleverness is hidden, in my opinion"

Huh?

"I just feel at times you filter yourself, which hides your full level of cleverness"

What the .. ?!
BWAHAHAHAHA!

Never in my life have I ever been accused of being too filtered. Quite the contrary. I think folks sometimes wish I were more filtered. Don't get me wrong, I like the part of me that's bold and speaks my mind and tries hard to be what I am in the moment and express it. This friend implied that I hold myself back.

Really?!

Well, now, wait .. I DO hold my tongue from time to time if I feel that I'm about to go WAY over the top. Not often, that's for sure. But I do. And I'm certainly capable of "way over topness".

But I do value the opinion of this friend. If I truly consider him a friend and then tell him he's full of crap when he makes an observation well then I'm not really honoring his friendship at all. And I was legitimately intrigued. What does he see? Is it an accurate assessment? Is he seeing something I don't or, more importantly, something I NEED to see.

If I understood him correctly he feels that I have more to offer if I don't censor myself. I still didn't feel censored or like I hold back. But that may have been the whole point. When he says "filtered" what does it mean to me? Do I need to re-think my concept of filtered?

After 24 hours of rolling it around in my head I concluded that maybe he was not correct ... But not incorrect either. In golf that's called a bad ball with a good result.

It would seem that I AM truly filtered sometimes. Filtering what I'm feeling or saying or meaning through humor.

The truth is that I'm loud and bold and mouthy and brash ... And tragically soft in the middle. Im sappy and I'm pathetically sensitive. And when I feel things I feel them REALLY big. Sometimes I use humor and sarcasm to temper that or make it easier to swallow. Sometimes I use humor to say what I want or need to say without owning up to the emotion I'm really feeling behind it.
Essentially, sometimes I cheat.

And that's completely out of alignment with my whole mission of being and saying and doing and feeling exactly what I need to be in the moment. Honestly.

So, thanks Big J. I needed that lil mental shake and bake. You truly gave me something to think about and helped me change my mind. Thanks for keeping me aligned. It made me uncomfortable and that's what causes change. Clearly, you knew I needed an oil change on my perspective.

My humor is a talent and an asset and very much a part of who I am. I'm not giving it, or my cleverness, up. But I will do better to make sure it is well placed and well intentioned .....
And that I'm not cheating.