Neon Octagon

That's EXACTLY how I often feel. Like a giant neon octagon in a sea of circle people.

It is not undeserved. My reputation is well earned. I proudly own the things that make me strange and peculiar. I have, over time, grown comfortably into my oddities.

I have a dear friend that claims one can not describe me ... I'm an experience.

She is probably correct.

Buckle up. Sometimes I'm a bumpy ride.

Though there are many things that I work to improve in my life  I can honestly say that I wouldn't change the things about me that make me fundamentally me.

But there are moments that it is really really challenging to be different.
Glaringly, loudly, boldly, obviously different.

Oh man, I AM different. I'm different in ways that challenge people to their very foundations.

Not because I feel the need to conform (I've long outgrown that feeling), but because it hurts my heart and soul that there are so few octagonal spaces carved out in the world.

Every once in a while I get a sinking sickening feeling that human beings throw around words like inclusion, acceptance, diversity, tolerance because they are fashionable and obligatory.

Every once in a while they prove me right.

Sometimes I even have to call my own self on the carpet for not moving within my integrity toward folks.

I do try. I do fail.

From my vantage point in the universe we humans do love our categories and boxes and labels. We feel better when the world is organized and arranged and predictable. We like entertaining concepts like "us" and "them". We scream for 32 flavors and then bitch about the good ol days of vanilla.
I do these things too. I'm decidedly not unique in this respect.
But I do try.

I try to make room and space and time in my life for a little bit of everyone. I am willing to look sternly at myself when I'm judging and labeling. I wish and hope I am extended the same in return.

Most times I am.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I hit a wall of conformity.

So after having a few of these moments over the past couple of weeks and feeling like I'm doin the 9 second walk of shame for doing my thing and being who I am, I've come around, full circle, and decide (again) to try not be the people I talk bad about. I choose to try to shake it off and continue to like the silly little hot mess that is me. And I tighten up my resolve to keep my promise and make room and space and time for a little bit of everyone. I just have to be open. I don't always have to like what I hear or see in return. But I'm willing to try before I make up my mind. I'm willing to ask and learn.

I take this cyclical journey all the time. I always arrive back in the space I'm in now.

I also promise to continue to challenge the people in my orbit. I hope to never quite be exactly what folks expect of me. I hope I always cause a teeny tiny bit of discomfort. Especially if the result is a few more dimensions and facets to this life we continually shape.

As far as shapes go, I'll be here at the house carving out all manner of shapes that are ready to be filled in my life. I crave and love the crazy puzzle we create.

I just want to be me without making it difficult for you to be you.

Planet Alignment

I had one of "those" days.

Not a play speedbump with people, shank someone with my staple remover, dig at my carotid with a rusty grapefruit spoon kinda day ...

But one of those illusive little days where all the pieces kinda fit. A day in which there's space and room for all my bits and pieces and I'm not throttling myself from one minute to the next or constantly 17 minutes behind every single thing I need to get accomplished. It was a day when a little bit of everything gets done and gets done well.

By no means was it an exceptional day. Nothing truly remarkable happened. I didn't ride a storm, save a life, end world hunger or get a new car ... Though that would've been wicked cool. I didnt score those awesome cowboy boots I'm drooling over right now ... Though that would've been crazy awesome. It was an ordinary day ... A completely extraordinarily ordinary every-day.

I call 'em "All Green Light Days".
No yellows to slow you down.
No reds to roadblock you.
All green lights that allow you to move freely about the universe.

Not to be confused with what I think of as a "Perfect Day". That would be all of what I had today PLUS something (even any little thing) that counts as a "Wow".

Doesn't sound like much but for me it really is. I am terrible at balance. I seem to always be too far ahead or behind or over or under. I'm too much or I'm too little. So when I snatch up one of these sweet little days in my net I revel in every delicious tiny second.

A recap of this day is, well ... I assume kinda anticlimactic to most folks.

I woke up before my alarm wide awake and ready to be out of bed. No snooze abuse.
I got my ironing done without cursing and bitching.
I remembered to pack a lunch (which has been troublesome lately) AND it had nutritional value.
I made it out the door and accidentally noticed I was running 22 minutes early. (WHAT??)
I got an enormous amount of work done today after an hour commute to the boonies and while training another Case Manager.
We planned a pot luck.
I left work feeling like I have a viable plan of attack for tomorrow that is actually attainable. (HUH?!)
Shaved 15 minutes off of my commute home from said boonies and didn't even speed. (Can't explain that one ...)
I did NOT run outta gas. (It was sketchy there for a minute)
Did not feel like getting back out to drive to the gym so I actually got out into the backyard and did an hour long workout including a couple laps around the neighborhood.
*winning*
Sent some messages.
Got some messages.
Chatted with the mom.
Got a call from a friend asking to swing by for an unexpected lovely visit.
Planned a road trip.
Confirmed plans and scheduled myself clear through May.
Found out that my birthday is National Ice Cream Day AND National Lollipop Day (that works)
Washed my face, stuffed my face, curled up in the bed, scratching and pecking out a blog and gearing up for some quality time with my book (not sure how I feel about Virginia Woolf just yet).

Nothing at all even remotely un-ordinary but for the fact that it all came easy and light and successfully. In my book that's pretty damn good.

I love green light days and am so sad that they happen so seldom. I've spent the evening wishin I could crack the code of the secret sauce or find out who I should be thanking for alignment of the planets. I need to take notes on this and commit the formula to memory. Most importantly, I need to sit in the glow of this days awesomeness and just let it be as wonderful as it can be. And it IS glorious.

I need and crave a certain amount of crazy in my life - not a secret or a shock to anyone - but  days like this make my silly little orbit a warm and cozy space to be.

Right on up to the next earth shake and sucking black hole ...

And that's quite enough for me in this moment.

Figure Eights

My hard drinkin days have proven beyond any reasonable doubt that my talents for a particularly potent flavor of chaos are astounding. I'm so good at it that I'm ridiculously awful.

I knew from the moment I chose to get healthy - really truly no bullshit kinda healthy - that there would be much work to do to clean my mess. I know that may never go away and, today, I'm willing and prepared. Or mostly prepared ... Well, .. More willing than prepared. 

Whatever .. I'm here. I'm present and, most importantly, I'm accountable and accounted for. 

I realize and accept that some things may never be made right. 

But there are moments of healing that just suck. Really suck. And during that process my mind gets twisted up in figure eight arguments ... Round and round, loop to loop ... Never really getting anywhere. 

I had one such moment this weekend. That horrible figure eight "I Suck, You Suck" battle that is terribly toxic to me. It's maddening. 

I had the privilege of joining some long time friends for a reunion over the weekend and I was initially so excited. I'm proud of those long standing relationships. I'm proud that we have time and experience and dimension. We have history, man.  I was looking forward to catching up and meeting kiddos and family members .... So excited that I forgot. I forgot that there is a huge chunk of time that I was missing. I was no where to be found. When I was located I was not fit for human consumption at all. And I'm to blame. No one but me. It feels painfully obvious. And in that black hole of time I was certainly not the friend I should have been. 

It's like being one single human being facing a city in the aftermath of a tsunami and having no clue where to even begin .... And knowing that you created that storm. 

I'm never sure which walk I will be doing when I find myself in these situations these days. Am I doin the walk of redemption or am I doing the walk of shame?

So my feelings of pride and excitement slowly turned to anxiety and trepidation. There's still mess and I have no idea how to fix it. So I showed up anyway, took a deep breath and decided to let the experience guide me. 

I rounded the corner into "I Suck". 

Lets face it. I did suck. I have to own that. 

But here's the other terrible truth that has become my reality: If you announce that you have cancer or diabetes folks run out and raise money, shave their heads and organize marathons. People support you through your illness and champion your wellness. (I know ... I had cancer) And when you heal or manage folks move on and all is forgotten. That's not how it works when you are a recovering alcoholic. There is damage you do that is so severe it cuts too deep to heal ... And more often than not folks do not forget and move on. If you have diabetes you maintain your treatment and work toward a cure. If you're a recovering drunk you're not sick, you just need to get your shit together ... 

No matter how you try sometimes folks are not willing to forgive. 

Taking the curve into "You Suck" 

But, now wait, you did these things .. Be accountable and make it right.

Racing right back through "I Suck".

But hold on, if you want me to change then please make room when that change comes. 

Takin the turn on rails right back to "You Suck".

And so it goes. I have that wretched dilemma with someone I have a lot of history and baggage with. I hate it. It hurts my heart. And there is not a single thing I can do about it. 

Except step off the race track. 

So after a few days of running that pointless race in my head I finally stepped off and landed in a place that is relatively new to me. I hit the platform of acceptance. 

When I'm wrapped up in that argument  I usually am, justifiably, stuck in this impossible place of "there is so much more I need to do" or "I shoulda coulda woulda" because I know I've created the storm and left someone else holding a sad excuse for a broom. 

This time was a little different in that I finally got to a place where I feel like I have done all I can do. Honestly and without copping out. And, with all due respect, I'm not willing to do any more. I've been angry and shitty, despondent and detached. I've been remorseful and repentant, sorrowful and apologetic. Ive hung my head and fallen on the sword. I've shown up and then removed myself to accommodate the wreckage of my past and the feelings / boundaries of others. And at this moment the only thing I can do is move forward and get busy getting right. 

I can suck and you can suck and we can have this grudge match for another ten years ... We both lose pathetically. I've lost enough. I need a win. 

I'm certain I will have many more of these moments. I'm absolutely willing to make right what I have made so terribly wrong. But I am not willing to stand in it forever. 

And I'm not willing to become the change that so desperately needed to happen in a space and around folks that have no room for my willingness and sincere action. 

Figure eights make me dizzy. I need some wide open spaces.

Your Happy Makes Me Happy

I'm preoccupied with happiness often these days. I love being in it, letting it wash all over me and stepping back to really take a look at it. I never want its awesomeness to be lost on me. I never want to take it for granted. Not anymore.

These days I live in happy and visit misery. It was not so many moons ago that the opposite was true.

As happens so often in my life my definitions and concepts change and evolve with time, space, challenge, temperance and (utter) failure. The trick, for me, is being with it, embracing the change and moving around in it until it fits. Happiness is no exception.

It's true that I have had many many happy moments in my life. Again, if I'm truly honest, I have to say that "happy" has looked different from time to time in my life. While it has meant joy and celebration it has also been on the darker side of me. Unfortunately I've been happy in selfish sort of ways. I've sometimes been happy at another's expense. I've found joy in spite. I've found joy in danger and recklessness. I'm not necessarily proud of those things but they have been real in my life. I've had "happy" that was tainted with jealousy and "happy" that had a giant "but" attached. I'm pretty sure that I have even been happy AT people.

I evolve. I come around.
My words are changing along with my thoughts and perceptions.
My experiences are changing.

It's been recently that I noticed a remarkable change in my experience of happiness.
I have found myself being completely happy for another persons happy.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is an amazing feeling to be full up on crazy-happy for NO other reason than the person standing next to you is covered up with it themselves.

It's truly lovely to have nothing attached to that feeling that could be found on any darker side of anyone.

And now I crave it. And it's best - in my world - if it has absolutely nothing to do with me other than the fact that I was there to witness it happen.

I attended a wedding and was brought to tears at my sweet friends bliss.
I feel like I want to burst each time I hear stories about a dear friends little ones.
I had the privilege to be part of a surprise planned for someone that is unbelievably important to me.
I've seen a man shed his chains and begin to claim his life.
I shared time and tears and heartspace and ice cream with a friend in need.
I've watched my mother grow as well and continue to recreate herself.

And just about 8 million more small and large moments that are everything and nothing at all ... To anyone but me ... While I'm riding passenger ... Soaking up every molecule.

This does not mean that the clouds part and the angels sing and Chinese food is delivered to my bedside in some kinda Wendy centered nirvana. It doesn't mean that my universe is full of clean white socks and my ironing is always done and all lights are green.

Not so at all. I'm human and (ahem) sometimes whiney, demanding and me-centric. Let's face it .. I do love my moment in the spotlight. To be sure.

But when someone's happy makes me happy, man, it's way better than cheese AND bacon ... AND potatoes ... And even pistachio ice cream. It fits better than my favorite jeans and feels better than perfect spring days.

I dig being a spectator in other folks happy-scapes.

It just means putting my megaphone down every now and again.