Everyday Kinda Crazy

This day had all the makings of a flat out craptastic day. I mean to tell you ... I was braced and ready by 6:30am.

I'm late. I keep forgetting my lunch. I'm overtired. I'm gearing up for yet another battle in the seemingly unending war my coworker likes to wage. It's not looking good. And this is all before I've even stepped in the shower. It was also one of those days that I'd be haulin my cookies all over central Texas and perpetually behind schedule.

I had to race to my office, dodge bullets from previously mentioned coworker, meet a client, do an intake, pack it in, hurtle myself an hour away to another office and catch up on paperwork from yesterday since all systems went down. I'm training lovely new case worker who has the dubious honor of being subjected to my particular flavor of madness for the next 6 months of her life (my condolences and apologies many times over) and my pile just keeps growing. Im pathetically behind. There's not enough stickies or pens, fingers or thumbs, coffee or snacks, ... There's CERTAINLY not enough of me to save the world today. Not to mention, I CLEARLY woke up on the wrong side of my broomstick.

I'm wretched and cranky and my brains are beginning to boil by 11:30am.

Craptastic. That is all. The end.

I hit the road back to town and have to be at the gym and I'm NOT in the mood to squeeze myself into spandex and flail around in the name of healthfulness. In fact, I have absolutely no desire to do anything healthy. I want to bathe in a vat of queso and watch really bad tv and hide in my bed.

I also have to write my blog. Crap! I never have anything to say when I think too hard about tryin to say it! Crap Crap! And I'm behind on that too considering I made a commitment to do this.

Well, 3/4 ain't bad .... Ugh. Ok, maybe 1/2 ...

I review this insane day that was horrible and I plan to rant and rave about how miserable I am ... When I just stop and realize that, when I play it all back in my head, it just sounds silly. And I sound silly for even thinking such silliness.

This is just an everyday kinda crazy. No more. No less.

I show up to the gym in a slightly less frenzied state than I started in, tucked like a lumpy mess of mashed potatoes into my spandex, and it turns into a ridiculously good time. A really really good time, to be exact. A few endorphins, some trash talkin, some laughter and about 1000 squats later I'm allllll good.

I'm all shined up with a big cheesy grin.

Turns out I'm just fine with an everyday kinda crazy.
And, trust me, I know crazy.
Bat shit, outta your skull, crayon eatin, grade A insanity kinda crazy.
I've been there. Like, six pack without the plastic thingy to keep it all together crazy.

Precisely 358 days ago I was waking up in some kind of new breed of hell in which I'd hit rock bottom and asked for a damn shovel.

I remind myself of that often.

Almost a year later I find my brains rising to a slow boil on a Wednesday over completely manageable mundane everyday life things ... And I get the privilege to live to tell about it. I get the privilege of laughing at myself and my silliness. I get to go to the gym in my spandex (Ha! Take that, sucka!!).

Don't get it twisted .. I'm not inviting a repeat to greet me at 6:30am tomorrow. But if it does I'll be just fine. Pretty damn good, actually.

Truth be told, I really wouldn't know what to do if there wasn't even just the slightest bit of crazy around. It's a touch of wild n crazy that makes me, well, .... Me. And I like that part of me.

Today.

Feed Me!!!

<Eyes rolling from all family and friends>

Oh look, she's hungry. Again. Some more.

Tis true. I love food and I love cooking and I love to EAT. Throw in some folks I love and I'm in heaven. Filling the tummies of the ones I love? ... Nirvana.
My cup runneth over ... But it's ok cuz there's more vanilla coffee on the ready.

I'm full up.

I had just such a moment yesterday. But I also had another one of those moments where someone is able to fashion some words to fit my feelings. I'm sitting on a friends couch with hot coffee, a full belly and feeling that all over awesomeness that makes me feel like I'm vibrating a bit. We had spent the day laughing more than anyone should, really, in the produce section of the grocery. We did the kitchen dance, spun around, tripped over, bumped into each other and chopped, diced and sliced our way into a lovely meal. (Im still in the process of forgiveness for a serious kale assault inflicted upon me) Then we found ourselves settling into various cozy spots and even cozier conversations (often interrupted by scathing sarcasm and humor in really poor taste). We shared music and laughter (always TONS of laughter) and frustrations and relentlessly teased and tormented each other.

My sweet angel friend says something to the effect that we are all full .. Our bellies, our spirits, our hearts, etc.

We're full up.

And it's true. She put words, color and texture to that delicious vibration.

And speaking of fullness, appetites and cravings, here's one of the secrets to the Ninja: love and feel goods fill me up just as much as the food I'm obsessed with.
Crazy, right?
The one that is mouthy and naughty and usually on the wilder side of things is MOST full up when her heart and soul are brimming and softly vibrating.

The folks in my inner orbits have figured this out and shamelessly (brilliantly) exploit it.

My fitness trainer needs to motivate me? She hugs on me and tells me that my butt looks good in spandex. Quite frankly, she can lie to me like than any day!
Torqued up at work? Not unheard of that someone in the office will come sing to me or shoot nerf bullets at me out of love or blow bubbles in my cubicle
Unruly and cranky Ninja? I have friends that have figured out that snuggles and a sweet foot massage  makes for a docile (albeit drooling) lil pile of malleable me.
Wendy feeling sad and a lil bruised? Offerings of chocolate covered bacon can pretty much get you, well, ANYTHING you ever wanted outta me.

Unapologetic affection junkie. And my lil soul and spirit perk right up with even the slightest feel-good. Got a warm fuzzy to share? I'm happy to soak it up and pass it along with a little splash o Wendy in it.

Even today, just hobbling around the house (post workout butt annihilation), talking to and joking with the Mum (even after she tried to set the house on fire AGAIN and we took a righteous ass kicking from the washing machine), setting everything in its proper place as we approach Monday zero hour ... Things are just right and I'm full.

This does not preclude the fact that I'm still fiery and sassy and, sometimes, way too much to handle. It AIN'T rainbows and cotton candy all the time, baby, that's for sure!

But in these small and sweet moments - like improv comedy in the produce aisle - I'm so happy to know that it really and honestly takes so very little to make me feel so very full. What a blessing and gift.

I dont need a whole lot (ok, who am I kidding, I love LOTS of love and food and, well, everything) ... but i do need it to be real and honest. And I feel sorry for anyone who is not me in these moments.

You Uncomfortable, Baby? Good!

Brutal words from a loving and long time friend. Sounds pretty sick, huh? Mean, even ..

Well, kinda. In the most loving sorta way. I refer to that friend as my gentle jack-hammer.

But important to remember that I am absolutely NOT the kinda girl that you suggest a life change to and I enthusiastically reply by immediately making said change. I have been known to be stubborn from time to time. I've been accused of being headstrong. I've been known to, unfortunately, hold onto things that were toxic or pointless because I'm afraid to change my mind or my course.

Fear. Blech. Pffffffftttt. .. Like anyone enjoys admitting to that.

Let it not be said that I'm completely change resistant. That is not the case. I do love change and adventures and new experiences. I just really prefer change when it's easy and has nothing but potential positive outcomes! ... But I do have a tendency to cozy up and get comfortable, or cave in under my own fear ... Or worse yet, get overly attached to the strangling constricting chained up choke hold of my ego.

Then I want change! Then a change is in front of me. I don't want change! (See a pattern?)

So fore mentioned long time loving jack hammer friend looks at me one day while I have my heels dug in and my inner bitch is polished up and I'm ready for battle ... And says ...

"You uncomfortable, baby? ... Good! That means somethin is changin ... And you REALLY need to change"

What in hell??!!
Seriously?!
Don't you know who I am? How infinitely important I am?
I'm a ninja!

Ugh.

She actually hit the bullseye and I - eventually - had the good sense to see it and be able to relate it to situations in my life. That does not mean she suggested a life change to me and I ran right out and made sweeping life changes. Uh, noooooooooo.
But I did think about it for about 15 years or so. Give or take.

Fast forward to the here and now. The past 12 months (2 years, really) has been nothing BUT change.  I can proudly report that I only had vicious self righteous snot ball sniveling tantrums about 17% of the time. ... Well maybe 23%. I'm a work in progress.

And in the past couple months I've made some very conscious decisions to do things that make me uncomfortable to spark the changes that will help me become the person I want to be and reflect the things I admire in other folks.

<insert "she has lost her damn mind" here>

Well, that may be true.
But it produced a blog among other things.

Folks have been encouraging me to write for a long long time. And putting the hot mess in my head down on paper (screen) is intensely personal and, quite frankly, terrifying for me.
What if no one reads it?
What if everyone reads it?
What if .... Period.

But with a giant push (shove) from an angel I did it.
Then I messed around and made it public.
EEEEEEKKKKK!

And GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??!!!!!
Yeah, nothing.
Except I'm proud of it, feel good about it, feel reasonably uncomfortable in a cool funky sorta way, and its become more about me rather than what anyone else thinks about it if at all.

I changed.
So I'm gonna keep pushing the envelope a bit just to see where the journey takes me. It feels really good if I can get over myself long enough to make the jump.

I'm hoping the folks in my life keep shoving and hammering and encouraging me to be the best me I can be .... Even when they have to drag me toward it kicking, sniveling and bitching. Snot balls and all.

Find Your Bliss

Suffice it to say that my definition of bliss has changed many MANY times over the years. My bliss has been love and sex, money and power, music and literature, lies and destruction, delusion and distraction, friendship and fellowship ... To name a few. My bliss is a lot like me ...

She is and has been many many things from one minute to the next.

Happily, with a lil age, temperance, struggle, chance and change my bliss has maintained its form for some stretch now. She is far less reckless and wild and generally settles on me like a warm blanket.

Well, I'm still a bit wild .. Just a gentler, warmer, fuzzier wild.
I'm kinda like Cherry 7-Up rather than carbonated Wild Turkey.

I do much better these days to seek out, notice, embrace, APPRECIATE and - get this - sometimes create bliss.

That does not at all negate the fact that I am still completely drawn to extremes. I struggle with balance in my life. If there is a train wreck I'm running straight toward it ... Or I drove the train head on. It's what makes my life simultaneously exciting and utterly impossible.

Now, my bliss is an allusive little thing. She is hiding in corners while I'm circling the room for the third time looking for the coffee cup I misplaced 17 seconds ago. She giggles at me and shakes her head.

But when she comes into the light ... She is brilliant.

I've also done better to appreciate my bliss out loud and in the moment. I keep learning better ways to sit in it and soak up every molecule and then share it. Since I have to work on coloring in the lines and hittin the middle of the road my bliss most often looks like .. Well, looks like the weekend I'm finishing up right now. Bliss comes to me in the form of Perfect Days. Perfect to me, anyway. It looks like having done a lil bit of everything very well rather than too much or not enough of any one thing. It looks like a precious few moments of homeostasis.

It does NOT happen very often ... AT ALL. But when it does its glorious. And for some odd reason I had three WHOLE days in a row of bathing in that lovely glow.

What does my bliss look like?

It looks like a random vacation day on Friday just cuz I needed and wanted one. It looks like waking up early on said Friday morning completely rested and not feeling frenzied. It's a series of 3 new restaurant foodie adventures. I spent time with some lovely angel friends, wandered a FABULOUS book Mecca, toured a cool record store (yup, we still have one), heard some live music and bought some new music, curled up on a friends couch with a steaming cup of coffee and a good book. It was divine blueberry pie on National Pi Day. It was bacon, sausage, cheese, egg hash and sides of fruit with no icky melon (blech!!). Bliss was a home cooked meal provided by someone that loves us enough to feed our souls and bellies. Bliss was the best-ever dance recital by yours truly as I channeled the movie version of Rent. (Well, that may be a lie ... I seriously can't dance ... But I did a mean floor crawl). Bliss was absolutely and totally laughing until I literally cried. Having someone to share that laughter with was pretty damn cool. I visited a bit with my mother about life, mascara and sports bras. I put my laundry away, put my sneakers on and got in a couple pretty righteous work outs. I SLEPT (which is really a gift to those around me). I spent some time working on my spiritual fitness. I gave and received many many hugs. I saw a really shitty movie with really beautiful people. I spent even more time laughing until I cried over the critical issues of Olympic Curling and bearded redneck men. I sang classic 50s music at the table between bites at brunch. It even included the hour that I carved out to sort out and deal with the pile of medical bills ... Because it only took an hour, it got done instead of ignored and that's the price I'm paying to be cancer free. Bliss.

And during all these (very) simple creature comforts my soul was completely at ease. I smiled for no particular reason. I smiled because someone else was smiling. I spoke to strangers with kindness. I was breathing, living, loving and present to soak up every minute. And I was not swimming in shit soup over everything that has already passed and all things I feel the need to fret over for tomorrow that haven't even happened yet. And probably won't.

That's my bliss. A little bit of ALL things done well. Again, it doesn't happen very often. Though it happens more often these days than it ever has. And when it does it gives me enough go-juice to step
into the big wide world tomorrow.

It's everything I needed and more than enough.

"People and Tables"

It's the title of a song that I really really love. (Shameless enthusiastic shout out to Sinead Lohan)

There are several lines in that song that resonate with me and make me think about who I am and how I see things and folks as they float around and collide in the universe.

"People and tables are set to the bone .."
"Waiting for nothing confuses the mind .."
"I never wanted and I never got .."

I have this image in my mind of a sterile room with a table that is set with all manner of finery ... And not a soul sitting at it while sharing a meal and conversation breathing life and love into a room. Set for the sake of being set with no reason and nothing to show for it.

While I enjoy the parts of me that seek out adventure and new experiences and peculiar people now I wonder how often I've been set ... With no reason and nothing to show for it.

It's not difficult to think of times in my life that I've abandoned my ambition, passion and fire waiting for the nothing in my soul to slowly and painfully mirror the nothing I was creating in my world. Waiting for nothing does confuse the mind. It suffocates the spirit.

I have a friend who told me years ago that if I wanted or needed something in this life that I should make my needs and my intentions and my desires known to the universe. The universe can sort out the details but at least I've done my part.

When I'm set to the bone like an abandoned table, waiting for nothing, never wanting and certainly never receiving anything I'm prone to do crazy things like feel sorry for myself ... And, best of all, blame the world at large for all the things that I figure I'm entitled to. This is one of my character flaws that invariably creates a whole lot more of nothing .. And nothing at all that resembles what I need.

My mother used to tell me when I was cranky and incorrigible (pfffttttt ... Like THAT ever happened) that if I wanted to be loved I needed to be lovable.

- insert blinding glimpse of the obvious here.

Turns out if I'm in need I probably need to let someone know. Especially since folks are insufferably dense with regard to mind reading. It seems that if the phone aint ringin its most often cuz I didn't make a call first or wasnt fit to be called. Also turns out, oddly, that when I ask for something the universe responds. Doesn't always look the way I want or thought I needed it to ... But a response is issued.

And I've done my part.

I want my table to be full of food and friends, colors and music and interesting bits of, well, everything! I never want to wait for nothing though I do want to be open to being patient and to whatever the universe has set to collide with me. And I need to remember that I never get if I never set a desire free in the wide world and I rarely get what I never ask for.

That's the trick ... Remembering what I'm so quick to forget.

My Hidden Clever

Actually, what was said was "Your cleverness is hidden, in my opinion"

Huh?

"I just feel at times you filter yourself, which hides your full level of cleverness"

What the .. ?!
BWAHAHAHAHA!

Never in my life have I ever been accused of being too filtered. Quite the contrary. I think folks sometimes wish I were more filtered. Don't get me wrong, I like the part of me that's bold and speaks my mind and tries hard to be what I am in the moment and express it. This friend implied that I hold myself back.

Really?!

Well, now, wait .. I DO hold my tongue from time to time if I feel that I'm about to go WAY over the top. Not often, that's for sure. But I do. And I'm certainly capable of "way over topness".

But I do value the opinion of this friend. If I truly consider him a friend and then tell him he's full of crap when he makes an observation well then I'm not really honoring his friendship at all. And I was legitimately intrigued. What does he see? Is it an accurate assessment? Is he seeing something I don't or, more importantly, something I NEED to see.

If I understood him correctly he feels that I have more to offer if I don't censor myself. I still didn't feel censored or like I hold back. But that may have been the whole point. When he says "filtered" what does it mean to me? Do I need to re-think my concept of filtered?

After 24 hours of rolling it around in my head I concluded that maybe he was not correct ... But not incorrect either. In golf that's called a bad ball with a good result.

It would seem that I AM truly filtered sometimes. Filtering what I'm feeling or saying or meaning through humor.

The truth is that I'm loud and bold and mouthy and brash ... And tragically soft in the middle. Im sappy and I'm pathetically sensitive. And when I feel things I feel them REALLY big. Sometimes I use humor and sarcasm to temper that or make it easier to swallow. Sometimes I use humor to say what I want or need to say without owning up to the emotion I'm really feeling behind it.
Essentially, sometimes I cheat.

And that's completely out of alignment with my whole mission of being and saying and doing and feeling exactly what I need to be in the moment. Honestly.

So, thanks Big J. I needed that lil mental shake and bake. You truly gave me something to think about and helped me change my mind. Thanks for keeping me aligned. It made me uncomfortable and that's what causes change. Clearly, you knew I needed an oil change on my perspective.

My humor is a talent and an asset and very much a part of who I am. I'm not giving it, or my cleverness, up. But I will do better to make sure it is well placed and well intentioned .....
And that I'm not cheating.

I Just Need a "Win"

That was the phrase used by a man sitting next to me. He threw it out onto the table like you'd throw change on the nightstand and it seemed simple enough .. But simple often escapes me.

Those five little words hit me like lightening.

Sometimes, if I'm listening carefully, folks in my life say the most amazing things. It's that magical moment when someone puts words to the feelings in my heart and the discord in my soul that I had not been previously able to express or define on my own.

Sometimes words crash into me and wash over me like water. Words are powerful powerful things.
Words change the universe.
Words shift me on my axis.

"I just need a win"

What I think he meant is that sometimes the weight of life, choices, struggles, healing, change etc become so overwhelming that one feels buried and challenged beyond our capabilities and energy. Sometimes we just need the slightest glimmer of hope and success to push one - sometimes only one - foot in front of the other. It doesn't have to be big. We just need ONE damn thing to fall into place . And that's enough to hope that the next moment will be worth surviving the last.

He made his bed.
I thought it was brilliant.

In that moment it was the only effort he could muster and took all the energy he could summon.
But he did it.
And it changed the course of his entire day. In my book that's a resounding success.

My mother used to say to me that we should celebrate all successes no matter how large or small. It has been proven so true and necessary in my life that I've made it a mantra.

I absolutely need small wins throughout my day. I need them to feel valid and capable and in motion. Unfortunately, I'm often so focused on the big payoff that I forget to honor my small victories.

I had the privilege to share the story of that man today and I was present to celebrate a dear friends small, yet incredibly poignant, "win" today. I was so happy for her happiness.

Better still, I got to remember that little life lesson and take a whole second to look out for and seize my daily win. I'm human and I forget things all the time.

I had a couple. Maybe even a few.

I made it to work with no tv remote control in my car.
I got to share a sweet life lesson with someone who needed it more than I.
I had chocolate on the ready for those enduring yet another conference call.
I hugged and congratulated a client who had worked so hard for her own "win"
I got a RIDICULOUSLY good BLT with a fried egg for dinner.

And tomorrow I'm going to make my bed.
I'm hoping that's the start of an all-green-light day.

Thought Stew

Ever need a good laugh? Challenge a sparkly random brain like mine to blog.

My head is so full all of the time that I figured it would be easy to reach up and pluck a thought from my cranial brambles and commit it to page .. Screen? Whatever ..

Decidedly NOT so.

It should have meaning ... It should be deep ... It should answer the questions of the universe, cure cancer, feed the hungry and house the homeless.

No, wait ...

It should be funny ... It should be spontaneous ... It should be bold and in your face 

Hold on, better still ...

It should be .. Should be .. Should ..

This is ridiculous. I enjoy (for the most part) the randomness in my skull. Best to just stick with what I do best and stop getting tangled in 'should' and deep meaning and esoteric existentialism. Those things might happen ... They might not.

The point of doing this blog was to get uncomfortable, shake things up and see where the journey takes me. (Mission accomplished) This, like experiencing life, can't happen if I'm hung up on semantics. It's kinda supposed to be fun.

Essentially, when I'm fussing about silliness then I'm missin all the good stuff.

Take, for example, this evening. I'm fussing over what to write and it's sucking all the joy out of even writing at all. So I throw it to the creative collective that is my inner circle. I ask them to give me words .. Any words .. Just need an assist and a jump start. Together they gather their vast educations and staggering vocabularies and lifetimes of experience .. And spit back the following:

Bacon, reality tv, puppies, kittens, grocery shopping, pitifully lacking sex lives, metaphoric dust bowls, the time change, rainbows, chicken fried steak, alka seltzer, governor Rob Ford, The Beatles, Bronies (shiver),
.. In the library
.. With a candle stick
.. By Ms Peacock

Thats right. THIS is the finest our educational system has to offer up.
(Thank you for your expert tutelage)
And it's freakin awesome. WAY better than all the "meaningful" crap I'd planned to impart upon the world.

And I got it.
Just stir your thought stew, shut up about it and write.
Dont miss out on the awesomeness of rainbows and bacon while being so consumed with whether or not this silly little blog will advance the cause of endangered salamanders.

Maybe it will. But not tonight. Tonight is just word soup. And that's cool too.

Scrambled Wendy With Bacon, Please

I've had a week. Not a day or moment but a whole damn week of madness. I feel like a cartoon character in a car with their hair blown straight back and eyeballs poppin out of their skull, foam sliding from the corners of my mouth and a giant vein pulsating in the center of my forehead .... And the car will only move 5 miles an hour.

I've been stretched and scattered and wearing myself out. There were not enough hands and feet and hours and CERTAINLY not enough patience. Or brain cells, for that matter.

But I did it. All of it.
I somehow took care of my clients, made it in and out of four counties all week, showed up for meetings and training, cooked for potluck, showed up for my friends, asked them to show up for me and made it to the gym finally. I helped plan another work party, got a friend to the airport, and, by the end of tomorrow, will have made it to dinner with family, attended the theater, cleaned a friends house, had a movie date, and managed to read some of the awesome book I'm pecking away at.

(I didn't, however, sleep much. That's my PSA, by the way. Fair warning ... )

My plans for this morning fell through at the last minute so I got up early and went to the gym and now, for a few precious glorious hours on this grey rainy morning, I have reprieve.
I'm breathing.
The tv remote is in its place rather than my car (Friday morning brain scramble)
There is no random drunk man crawling in the passenger seat of my car (HIS Friday evening brain scramble).

I'm just laying on my bed. Breathing.

This week drove me manic and insane.
And I need to handle my business, take a step back, stop whining and thank my blessed crazy spinning lucky stars.

Because I remember (painfully and often) when NONE of that was possible.

I'm worn out and beat up because my life is full and colorful and blessed and filled with life, love, laughter (LOTS of laughter) and truly amazing people. (And food)
Hmmmmmm
Now THERE'S something to bitch about ....

I've struggled with addiction most of my adult life. That is a true statement. Wretchedly, horrible true. But it's my truth. And I'm gettin right with it. I'm in a really really good space in my life these days.
That is also the truth.
And, even more honest than that, there have been huge amounts of time where I most certainly could not physically, emotionally or spiritually have even begun to think of weathering the week that just slammed into me. Much less doing it at all. I hated that about me. I hated the silence of the phone not ringing, the calendar being empty and no beautiful souls to surround and lift me because, lets face it, who the hell would want to.

I really and truly function better in this life when I'm not doin it alone and when it's full and colorful 
and blessed and filled with life, love, laughter (LOTS of laughter) and truly amazing people.

That being said, this week WAS insane. I AM worn out. I AM cranky and petulant. 
But the gift is absolutely NOT lost on me.

 I have known some very bad weeks indeed. And if this is the very worst that could happen to me in the past seven days then I'm doing pretty damn good.

I'm actually blessed and rich beyond measure.

So bring it on. I got this. I don't even have to like it to "got this". When it's all said and done and I'm laying in the bed with a few glorious hours to catch my breath before I'm locked and loaded again I'm actually giving thanks.

Thank you for madness and insanity. Thank you for overworked day planners and irritating Outlook reminders. Thank you for sandwich prowlers and strange lost drunk passengers. Thank you for lovely angels that laugh in my face and say "bless your heart" when I'm not acting right. Thank you for meatballs!

These are lil baby memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And, knowing me, probably odd stories that I'll be spinning out for anyone who needs a good laugh.

But for right now I gotta hurry up and chill out.

Left of Center

Today was just one of those days. From the minute I opened my eyes - literally - my brain was racing. What time is it? Where do I need to be? How many minutes do I have? How can I cram one more thing into the finite number of hours I'm allotted on a Thursday?? Why did I just apply a hand full of face soap into my hair?

My hair was as foamy as my brain.

MAKE IT STOP!
... And that was all before 7:00am.
Nothing good will come of this.

And my day lived up to the monstrous image I had at 7:00am. Not enough minutes and too many To-Dos and too many people and .. and ... and. My manager asks if I'm ok. I tell her I am and that Im just swerving right and left of center and can not seem to hit stride in the middle to save my life.

I struggle with balance. Always have. It's my eternal challenge.

Sigh. Some days are just flat out toad eatin days. And I'm alright with that. I just get lost in the fray and forget how to breathe and need perspective.

Blessedly, I find that when I'm bright shiny crazy and I have the good sense to throw it out to the universe and ask for a life line the universe responds.

The phone rings.
Im so excited to hear the voice on the other end say that she is ratty and nutso too. Manic meets mayhem. Perfect!
I tell on myself.
I'm officially wound up tighter than an 8 day clock and bat shit crazy. We agree that misery requires ... Well, ..
Food.
Music.
And lack of meaningful conversation while breathing in the same space.
And food. Again. Some more.

And so the evening unravels and I unravel and she unravels ... And another friend joins and then another. All spinning in the same orbit and just enjoying space. (And food).

I finally FINALLY get from a head space to a heart space and I'm sooooooo grateful. Grateful that the universe answered and the phone rang and someone else was crazy and I was able to stave off road rage there was somewhere to share space ... Quiet space .. Breathing space ... With people I truly love .. And food.

Above all, I am so thankful that I have several angels spinning in my orbit that understand, appreciate and revel in the ability to have lack of meaningful conversation. I love that I have friends with whom silence is not uncomfortable. What a lovely gift.

I love that I have friends and family that have time and space and room for me to be whatever I need to be in the moment ... And that may be many MANY things from one minute to the next. I'm delightfully schizophrenic that way.

Tonight I just needed to be human BEING and put away the human DOING.
With food.

Thank you! Now what do you want ....

I was working in a lil bitty dot of a town called Burnet today. Booming metropolis it is not. It's a conservative little sleepy town of good hard working church goin folk about an hour from where I live. I currently work out there twice a week. I enjoy the drive and find it nice and comforting to be out where life is slower for a whole minute. The Sonic restaurant does a steady stream of business and the local gas station is the morning gathering spot where folks fill up on caffeine and gossip.

I dig it. I'm amused. And as a VERY much citified kid I often feel like big glaring neon bull in a china shop.

And while the Sonic can certainly fill my greasy burger cravings and The BBQ Shak is always tempting with its wood bench and rolls of paper towels I wasn't feeling either of those dining experiences today. I had this crazy notion that I'd try to be healthy and head to to grocery store to pick up something less fried and less BBQd. This was the plan. A lovely salad ... Maybe some fresh fruit. Something NOT accompanied by tots. I aimed my car for the grocery store and took that 18 second drive with great resolve and pride in my good choices.

Now, MY grocery store is more like a bonafide food expo. THIS grocery store is kinda like a large fruit stand with a meat counter and a freezer. I think it's cute. I feel kinda patronizing and snobbish ... Don't they KNOW how cool my grocery is??!!

I walk through the doors and the two folks leaving as I go in smile warmly at me. It warms my heart. I smile back. There is country music overhead and folks crossing off their grocery lists and tending to their babies. But what struck me is that folks were actually talking to each other . They were calling each other by name and asking about their days and families with genuine concern. How weird! A lot of folks ask how you are doing without ever caring about the answer and probably hope you WON'T answer. I think it's sweet, this sense of community ....

Until ..

Community caught up to me and was standing in line behind me.

I found a lovely Granny Smith Apple and, in the absence of fresh deli sandwich selection, chose a healthy (looking) frozen sandwich that I could heat up. I get in line. An older woman waits behind me. Politely. Hair done. Make up in place. She knows the folks in line. She knows the cashier by name. And, in this moment, what she really wants to know is what I'm eatin and why. She asks me if I've had this sandwich before, do I like it, are there others like it, should she try it. I answer politely.

Then it happened. She all but (gently) pushed me out of the way and reached for my grocery selections wanting to read the label, review sodium content, calories per serving, brand name .. And she prefaced all this by saying "I'm not stealin .. Just lookin". She's sweet as pie. But I'm ALL kinds of uncomfortable and reacting in a very citified way. Why is she touching MY stuff (though I've technically not purchased it yet)? Why is she so involved in my lunch? It's just frozen food, people! She clearly must be up to something shady! NO ONE is this curious about strangers or nice just to make conversation. SHE'S IN MY GROCERY SPACE!

Oh good grief ... Really, Wendy?!

I thought for about a second and it occurred to me that this woman was just being friendly and
treating me the way she probably treats everyone in this teeny tiny town. She had random sandwich envy. No harm no foul.

And then I felt sad about my thoughts and first inclinations. What did I think she was going to do? Commit green apple assault? Snatch up my $2.37 sandwich and make a break for it? It's not like she licked the damn thing and handed it back to me.

I don't know what I thought, really. I just know that one second I was appreciating this small town country courtesy and then utterly freaked out and peeved that I'd been the recipient of it.

I was grateful for her extended gesture of friendship. I was excited that another person out there has the same sandwich scrutiny as I do. Lets be clear. She was not being crazy or weird. She had genuine lunch concerns and I had the answers. 

I got over it, realized I was being ridiculous, smiled, wished her well in her sandwich endeavors, paid and left. I walked to my car and was happy for that 6-7 minutes of my life. I was also a bit disenchanted. What kind of life am I living when I immediately expect folks to be shady and I'm automatically suspicious when shown kindness and regard? Seems a bit backward to me.

The thing I didn't do was thank her. 
I should have. 

The Reflective Properties of Water

I think. A lot. Sometimes too much.

I am often preoccupied with the world around me and its meaning, insinuations and movements. I'm fascinated, perplexed and frustrated by people. They mesmerize me and drive me mad.

Always thinking. Thinking is my blessing and my burden.

Lately I've been working very hard to incorporate reflection and gratitude into my daily thought soup. It's not difficult. I've many things to be grateful for and vast blessings to count.

Many find themselves in that space during meditation or prayer or maybe by journaling. I've employed those methods myself. Oddly, though, in my silly little orbit I find myself most consumed with those thoughts in ...

The shower?

Yep. The shower. I have no idea why.

I love the shower. I love being clean and feeling like I've washed away whatever filth I've been wearing or whatever muck the day has rolled me around in. It's like 13 minutes of daily baptism and I get to be new. Again.

In my hard drinking days showering was getting rid of the previous nights demons and damage and celebrating that I had lived to see another day. Crazy, no?
These days taking a shower represents me suiting up and showing up for a brand new day or maybe winding down and getting "right sized" and feeling good in my own skin. Either way, it's a feel-good for me ... A small simple pleasure in this life that I love over complicating.

For whatever strange reason its where I reflect. Every day. I think of the ease with which I turn on the faucet and hot water arrives for my own selfish convenience. This is a thing people take for granted and rarely appreciate. Water. Life sustaining life saving water. (Blessing counted ..)
I think - every day .. In the shower - about where I live and the things I have and the things I expect to fall into place each morning - like water - and how I did very little to earn them. Much less deserve them (blessing counted several times over). I think every day about the life I want, the life I have, the lives that are struggling all around me and the life in my own body I worked so tirelessly to try to destroy.

I think about the day I had yesterday and the day I'm about to have. I'm faced with unimaginable challenges like whether or not my razor is dull and why I give a shit anyway because I've already talked myself out of using it. I ponder physics while trying to figure out WHY that last little bit of acne soap just won't quite allow itself to be sucked up into the tubey thing. I curse hardships like choosing from the six gazillion bath gels that consume every inch of space in this tiny tub.

I think about the fact that I'm grateful I have more than I truly need, that I go without the things I sometimes want and that I don't always get what I deserve. (Blessings counted repeatedly as I type ..)

I think of the person I want to be, don't feel worthy of being, feel too lazy or tired to be and dream I can be. I come full circle and remember that if I have anything at all its only good if I give it away.

I count my blessings and find my gratitude and pray it sticks with me when the water has drained away. I hope and wish my trivial bitching and useless self serving whining drains right along with it.

I don't always make it. Sometimes the bustle of life takes over the very instant I shut the water off and become a human- doing again.

But sometimes .. Just sometimes .. I keep that clean and clarity on me all day. Sometimes that reflection in the water makes it possible for me to be a better me. And a better me is better at reflecting you.

The Ninja

Maybe I've always had a lil Ninja in me. 

It's been in recent years that I called her to the forefront and called her out by name. She has become my nickname, my handle, my inner strength, my bravery and courage .... But MOSTLY my alter ego and my tongue-in-cheek way of scapegoating all of my ridiculosity. 

Fall off the curb randomly? (which I do) I'm a Ninja!
Run into a wall face first? (which I have) I'm a Ninja!
Embarrass myself in public? (often and well)  ... Yep, I'm a Ninja.

Terrified, anxious and unsure (A LOT of the time) ... I summon the Ninja. 

Strong, sure and confident? That's me and my inner ninja. 

Stealth finely tuned assassin clad in black that can right universal wrongs and kill with my pinky toe? Depends on who you're talkin to ... 

Matters not to me. Sometimes I AM a ninja. And sometimes I'm just a girl in her sweatpants cozied up in a blanket, sipping her coffee with all manner of strange, peculiar, random, colorful, sparkly thoughts running around in the dangerous neighborhood that is my mind .... 

Sometimes I like to share those things. More often than that I love when others share their sparkly thoughts with me. ESPECIALLY if it involves food and coffee. 

All inner ninjas welcomed and encouraged.