You Uncomfortable, Baby? Good!

Brutal words from a loving and long time friend. Sounds pretty sick, huh? Mean, even ..

Well, kinda. In the most loving sorta way. I refer to that friend as my gentle jack-hammer.

But important to remember that I am absolutely NOT the kinda girl that you suggest a life change to and I enthusiastically reply by immediately making said change. I have been known to be stubborn from time to time. I've been accused of being headstrong. I've been known to, unfortunately, hold onto things that were toxic or pointless because I'm afraid to change my mind or my course.

Fear. Blech. Pffffffftttt. .. Like anyone enjoys admitting to that.

Let it not be said that I'm completely change resistant. That is not the case. I do love change and adventures and new experiences. I just really prefer change when it's easy and has nothing but potential positive outcomes! ... But I do have a tendency to cozy up and get comfortable, or cave in under my own fear ... Or worse yet, get overly attached to the strangling constricting chained up choke hold of my ego.

Then I want change! Then a change is in front of me. I don't want change! (See a pattern?)

So fore mentioned long time loving jack hammer friend looks at me one day while I have my heels dug in and my inner bitch is polished up and I'm ready for battle ... And says ...

"You uncomfortable, baby? ... Good! That means somethin is changin ... And you REALLY need to change"

What in hell??!!
Seriously?!
Don't you know who I am? How infinitely important I am?
I'm a ninja!

Ugh.

She actually hit the bullseye and I - eventually - had the good sense to see it and be able to relate it to situations in my life. That does not mean she suggested a life change to me and I ran right out and made sweeping life changes. Uh, noooooooooo.
But I did think about it for about 15 years or so. Give or take.

Fast forward to the here and now. The past 12 months (2 years, really) has been nothing BUT change.  I can proudly report that I only had vicious self righteous snot ball sniveling tantrums about 17% of the time. ... Well maybe 23%. I'm a work in progress.

And in the past couple months I've made some very conscious decisions to do things that make me uncomfortable to spark the changes that will help me become the person I want to be and reflect the things I admire in other folks.

<insert "she has lost her damn mind" here>

Well, that may be true.
But it produced a blog among other things.

Folks have been encouraging me to write for a long long time. And putting the hot mess in my head down on paper (screen) is intensely personal and, quite frankly, terrifying for me.
What if no one reads it?
What if everyone reads it?
What if .... Period.

But with a giant push (shove) from an angel I did it.
Then I messed around and made it public.
EEEEEEKKKKK!

And GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??!!!!!
Yeah, nothing.
Except I'm proud of it, feel good about it, feel reasonably uncomfortable in a cool funky sorta way, and its become more about me rather than what anyone else thinks about it if at all.

I changed.
So I'm gonna keep pushing the envelope a bit just to see where the journey takes me. It feels really good if I can get over myself long enough to make the jump.

I'm hoping the folks in my life keep shoving and hammering and encouraging me to be the best me I can be .... Even when they have to drag me toward it kicking, sniveling and bitching. Snot balls and all.