I think. A lot. Sometimes too much.
I am often preoccupied with the world around me and its meaning, insinuations and movements. I'm fascinated, perplexed and frustrated by people. They mesmerize me and drive me mad.
Always thinking. Thinking is my blessing and my burden.
Lately I've been working very hard to incorporate reflection and gratitude into my daily thought soup. It's not difficult. I've many things to be grateful for and vast blessings to count.
Many find themselves in that space during meditation or prayer or maybe by journaling. I've employed those methods myself. Oddly, though, in my silly little orbit I find myself most consumed with those thoughts in ...
The shower?
Yep. The shower. I have no idea why.
I love the shower. I love being clean and feeling like I've washed away whatever filth I've been wearing or whatever muck the day has rolled me around in. It's like 13 minutes of daily baptism and I get to be new. Again.
In my hard drinking days showering was getting rid of the previous nights demons and damage and celebrating that I had lived to see another day. Crazy, no?
These days taking a shower represents me suiting up and showing up for a brand new day or maybe winding down and getting "right sized" and feeling good in my own skin. Either way, it's a feel-good for me ... A small simple pleasure in this life that I love over complicating.
For whatever strange reason its where I reflect. Every day. I think of the ease with which I turn on the faucet and hot water arrives for my own selfish convenience. This is a thing people take for granted and rarely appreciate. Water. Life sustaining life saving water. (Blessing counted ..)
I think - every day .. In the shower - about where I live and the things I have and the things I expect to fall into place each morning - like water - and how I did very little to earn them. Much less deserve them (blessing counted several times over). I think every day about the life I want, the life I have, the lives that are struggling all around me and the life in my own body I worked so tirelessly to try to destroy.
I think about the day I had yesterday and the day I'm about to have. I'm faced with unimaginable challenges like whether or not my razor is dull and why I give a shit anyway because I've already talked myself out of using it. I ponder physics while trying to figure out WHY that last little bit of acne soap just won't quite allow itself to be sucked up into the tubey thing. I curse hardships like choosing from the six gazillion bath gels that consume every inch of space in this tiny tub.
I think about the fact that I'm grateful I have more than I truly need, that I go without the things I sometimes want and that I don't always get what I deserve. (Blessings counted repeatedly as I type ..)
I think of the person I want to be, don't feel worthy of being, feel too lazy or tired to be and dream I can be. I come full circle and remember that if I have anything at all its only good if I give it away.
I count my blessings and find my gratitude and pray it sticks with me when the water has drained away. I hope and wish my trivial bitching and useless self serving whining drains right along with it.
I don't always make it. Sometimes the bustle of life takes over the very instant I shut the water off and become a human- doing again.
But sometimes .. Just sometimes .. I keep that clean and clarity on me all day. Sometimes that reflection in the water makes it possible for me to be a better me. And a better me is better at reflecting you.
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