Figure Eights

My hard drinkin days have proven beyond any reasonable doubt that my talents for a particularly potent flavor of chaos are astounding. I'm so good at it that I'm ridiculously awful.

I knew from the moment I chose to get healthy - really truly no bullshit kinda healthy - that there would be much work to do to clean my mess. I know that may never go away and, today, I'm willing and prepared. Or mostly prepared ... Well, .. More willing than prepared. 

Whatever .. I'm here. I'm present and, most importantly, I'm accountable and accounted for. 

I realize and accept that some things may never be made right. 

But there are moments of healing that just suck. Really suck. And during that process my mind gets twisted up in figure eight arguments ... Round and round, loop to loop ... Never really getting anywhere. 

I had one such moment this weekend. That horrible figure eight "I Suck, You Suck" battle that is terribly toxic to me. It's maddening. 

I had the privilege of joining some long time friends for a reunion over the weekend and I was initially so excited. I'm proud of those long standing relationships. I'm proud that we have time and experience and dimension. We have history, man.  I was looking forward to catching up and meeting kiddos and family members .... So excited that I forgot. I forgot that there is a huge chunk of time that I was missing. I was no where to be found. When I was located I was not fit for human consumption at all. And I'm to blame. No one but me. It feels painfully obvious. And in that black hole of time I was certainly not the friend I should have been. 

It's like being one single human being facing a city in the aftermath of a tsunami and having no clue where to even begin .... And knowing that you created that storm. 

I'm never sure which walk I will be doing when I find myself in these situations these days. Am I doin the walk of redemption or am I doing the walk of shame?

So my feelings of pride and excitement slowly turned to anxiety and trepidation. There's still mess and I have no idea how to fix it. So I showed up anyway, took a deep breath and decided to let the experience guide me. 

I rounded the corner into "I Suck". 

Lets face it. I did suck. I have to own that. 

But here's the other terrible truth that has become my reality: If you announce that you have cancer or diabetes folks run out and raise money, shave their heads and organize marathons. People support you through your illness and champion your wellness. (I know ... I had cancer) And when you heal or manage folks move on and all is forgotten. That's not how it works when you are a recovering alcoholic. There is damage you do that is so severe it cuts too deep to heal ... And more often than not folks do not forget and move on. If you have diabetes you maintain your treatment and work toward a cure. If you're a recovering drunk you're not sick, you just need to get your shit together ... 

No matter how you try sometimes folks are not willing to forgive. 

Taking the curve into "You Suck" 

But, now wait, you did these things .. Be accountable and make it right.

Racing right back through "I Suck".

But hold on, if you want me to change then please make room when that change comes. 

Takin the turn on rails right back to "You Suck".

And so it goes. I have that wretched dilemma with someone I have a lot of history and baggage with. I hate it. It hurts my heart. And there is not a single thing I can do about it. 

Except step off the race track. 

So after a few days of running that pointless race in my head I finally stepped off and landed in a place that is relatively new to me. I hit the platform of acceptance. 

When I'm wrapped up in that argument  I usually am, justifiably, stuck in this impossible place of "there is so much more I need to do" or "I shoulda coulda woulda" because I know I've created the storm and left someone else holding a sad excuse for a broom. 

This time was a little different in that I finally got to a place where I feel like I have done all I can do. Honestly and without copping out. And, with all due respect, I'm not willing to do any more. I've been angry and shitty, despondent and detached. I've been remorseful and repentant, sorrowful and apologetic. Ive hung my head and fallen on the sword. I've shown up and then removed myself to accommodate the wreckage of my past and the feelings / boundaries of others. And at this moment the only thing I can do is move forward and get busy getting right. 

I can suck and you can suck and we can have this grudge match for another ten years ... We both lose pathetically. I've lost enough. I need a win. 

I'm certain I will have many more of these moments. I'm absolutely willing to make right what I have made so terribly wrong. But I am not willing to stand in it forever. 

And I'm not willing to become the change that so desperately needed to happen in a space and around folks that have no room for my willingness and sincere action. 

Figure eights make me dizzy. I need some wide open spaces.